Damm lamps!
by Toast Bacon
Summary: Girls best friend comes over- he hits her upside the head with a lamp by accedent. She wakes up in M-E Fin
1. A visit from a Good Friend

*looks suspiciously around at you and everyone else standing around waiting for me to say something that I don't want to say*  
  
J.R.R. Tolkien runs up on stage, even being dead and all.looking dead as well and grabs me.  
  
Tolkien: If you don't say it, I shall spook you till the end of your days.  
  
Me: Fine, Fine, if I must, I do not own anything from this story except for the Damn Lamp character, Ian, *evil laugh* Yesh.I own you.You are my Slave. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Tolkien gives me a stern look.  
  
Me: Okay, fine, I don't own Ian, he owns him self.well, actually Alexander, his alter ego Minion/Demon does.I do own; May Moss of Lake-by-Downs, Ánië Vardamir, the 'Damn Lamp', Mimi, and uhh, ohh yes, This little guy *Pulls out a Black Hamster* Sabbath. I guess that is about it, and if anymore things, I shall inform you.  
  
Tolkien: Good girl. *pats Ánië Vardamir on the head* I shall go now. -He Leaves-  
  
Chapter One; A Visit From a Good Friend  
  
Knock, knock, knock. The girl asleep in the room doesn't hear anything. "Mimi," She drearily opens her eyes and looks at her mom. "Call Ian." Mimi, who has always remembered his phone number couldn't remember. She knew his cell phone number was on the floor. The brown haired girl picked it up as she yawned. 'Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.' She punched in the numbers one by one.  
  
"Hello?" the voice on the other end picked up.  
  
"Dude? You wanted me to call you?"  
  
"Yeah, I did."  
  
"Whats up?"  
  
"Ohh nothing. Im soooo frickin bored!"  
  
"Then get your ass over here."  
  
"Good Idea." They hung up their phones and the girl got dressed waiting for her friend, Ian, to come like he usually did. She didn't care what she wore so she threw on some random clothes that were on the floor, also trying to tidy up the room.  
  
"MOM! IAN IS COMING OVER!" Mimi yelled through the door.  
  
"That's Fine Honey. Don't wear the clothes on the floor!"  
  
"I WONT!" the young girl said a lot of stuff that she never paid attention to.  
  
A little while later, there was a knock on the door.  
  
"Ohh hey Ian. Whats up?" the girl was sat facing her TV putting on a video game.  
  
"What we playin'?"  
  
"Enter the Matrix." She pulled it out of his bag since he always kept it with him when he came to her house.  
  
The game started and Mimi touched his soft head hair.  
  
"I love your hair. Its always soft." She sat up on her bed.  
  
The copper soft haired 14 year old looked at a cord. He pulled it and a cat lamp came falling down.  
  
"Ahh!" he flinched. "I wasn't expecting that."  
  
"Then don't pull cords. Your going to blow us to Tinkie-toy land. We wont want that will we?"  
  
Ian shook his head. He looked at a black cord. "I wont pull it" he thought to himself. He saw it was a blue lamp. "Damn Lamps" they both thought to themselves. Ian placed the extra controller on the stand next to the lamp, that was in the way, knocking the lamp over. It was right above Mimi's Head. "DAMN LAMPS!!!" she screamed as it bonked her on the head knocking her unconscious.  
  
The next morning Mimi woke up same position she was in as she fell, according to her, asleep, although we all know she was unconscious. The blue eyed Irish girl that we call Mimi rubbed her head right where the lamp hit her. "Oww." she thought to herself. "what happened?" She didn't open her eyes, feeling that she was comfortable. She felt something wiggle in her pocket. She reached in and pulled out a fuzzy black critter. She looked at him. "Sabbath! What on earth were you doing in my pocket?" she rubbed her nose against his and started speaking baby language. She thought to herself he must have crawled into her pants since she grabbed them off the floor. Sabbath was always an explorer. She leaned back feeling something warm, not looking at the environment around her. She fiddled with her hand around to feel what it was. She felt a hand. She kept going up. AN ARM.what was this? Has Ian fallen asleep in her bed.with her?! She turned around. "HOLY SHIT!"  
  
The startled short man flinched as he woke up.  
  
"Who are yew?" he asked.  
  
"Pippen!!"  
  
The guy looked at her astonished. "Why that is my name tew!"  
  
"No, no, no, I know you are Pippen." she tried to remember her hobbit name. "My name is May Moss of Lake-by-Downs" she had remembered.  
  
"Ohh," answered Pippen still in complete shock. "And what are yew doing in my bed?"  
  
"Your bed!?" Mimi (a/n: She will be going by May Moss or May for this time) looked around. "Where am I?"  
  
"Yew are in Hobbiton." (a/n: is that spelt right? I don't want to get my book) Pippen looked a bit confused, parting from scared at this time. "The Shire to be more precise."  
  
May's eyes gleamed. "The Shire." she said to herself. She looked at Sabbath. "IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A SICK JOKE WANTING TO GO ON AN ADVENTURE SABBATH JACK-ELROND SPARROW?!" she screamed at her fuzzy black friend, using his full name. The little black dude, Sabbath, cringed at May Moss's screaming voice.  
  
"Umm, if I may interrupt miss," Pip started to say, "I do quite think you look too tall to be a- a hobbit."  
  
"Im an elf hobbit pirate human. So sue me. I have three names out of my four races. I don't know my pirate name. Though I am thinking that the first name might be Angela."  
  
"A pirate.?" Pippen asked in total interest.  
  
May started to sing a song she had made up;  
  
"Ohh pirates are amazing things, They fly on water without wearing wings. They swish their sword And steal when they be bored. Ohh itd be a pirates life for me!"  
  
She then started to break out into the old pirate song Yo-Ho.  
  
"Ohh yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me" she started dancing and making up words as she went. Pippen didn't know they weren't the real words, so she just went along singing like they were.  
  
"They've got lots of money They ride their ships in fame, And if you look at them funny, They'll push u in a flame,  
  
The pirates don't like people to touch their cash, And if you do, they be kickin ye in the ash, If I could be one, I would not say no, Because on the boat, I can see a little show,  
  
Ohh yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me-EEEEEE!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Pippen looked a bit scared at the whole thought of a pirate coming to the shire.  
  
"Ohh don't worry Pip, I wont harm anyone, Im as fit as a fiddle, I would never harm a hobbit. Especially one as cute as yourself!!"  
  
Sabbath let a great deep sigh. "Ohh brother" he mumbled to himself.  
  
"What was that Sabby?" (a/n: Sabby was one of the hamster's nickname) May asked. Her hearing was quite good.  
  
The black rodent shook his head then May placed him in her pocket again.  
  
"What was that?" Pippen asked in curiosity.  
  
"Ohh," she brought Sabbath out again "Sabbath?"  
  
Pippen nodded keeping his eyes on the rodent. "What is it?"  
  
"I am Sabbath, the one and only." Sabbath said giving the poor little hobbit attitude.  
  
"Sabbath!" she blushed at the rodent's remarks. "This here is Sabbath Jack- Elrond Sparrow. He be the sexiest hamster in all of Middle-Earth."  
  
"Is he related to lord Elrond of the Rivendell elves?" Pippen asked.  
  
"No, that's just his middle name." She pet Sabbath's head.  
  
Sabbath started to laugh. "I am your leader." He gritted his yellow teeth. Pippen backed away a little scared. May hugged Pippen. "Don't worry, he wont harm you.remember, Im in control of him." May glared at Sabbath.  
  
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I have ideas for the next chapter.but I want to see how this turned out.so give me some reviews.I am hoping for at least 3.maybe.I dunno.  
  
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	2. Others Meet May

Me: I have decided to update this quicker, and I think that maybe the 3 reviews were a bit too much. Thank you to those who do review and or read, and a personal thanks to my first reviewer Cotume1, one of the funniest writers on fan fic that I have already read. To those who also are funny, I am sorry if I haven't read yours, and to the ones who were funny and I did read, I did enjoy (for there was none that I have not enjoyed) but I would say my personal favorite funny LOTR story would be yours, Cotume1.  
  
Chapter Two; The Others Meet May  
  
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There was a knock on the door. Peregrin got out of bed and May put Sabbath into her pocket. The hobbit walked up to the door and looked through the peephole. Outside the door Pip saw Frodo, Merry and Sam waiting quite impatiently.  
  
Sam knocked harder on the door. "YOU SAID YOUD BE OUT BY NOW PIP! WHATS TAKING YEW SO LONG?"  
  
Pippen opened the door. "Hello," Pip started seeing the mad faces on the other hobbits. "I was delayed for this young miss was asleep in my bed."  
  
Merry and Frodo inched closer to Pippen crossing the Threshold.  
  
"WHATS GOING ON?" Sabbath yelled from inside May's pocket.  
  
May just ignored him as Frodo looked around Pippin's house. "Who said that?"  
  
"No one." May answered the curious hobbit.  
  
"Of course I am some one because no one can make the someone noise!" Sabbath yelled again.  
  
"There it goes again! I heard it." Frodo said.  
  
"I heard it this time sir Frodo! And I aint one of them elves that can hear too far." Sam, the other curious hobbit gulped after he said what he had heard.  
  
"Get me out of here 'MAY'" Sabbath yelled saying May like it was some type of lie and he knew it.  
  
May pulled Sabbath out of her pocket and the 3 hobbits unfamiliar jumped back in surprise. "Wot is that?" Merry asked sounding a bit scared.  
  
"Said by May it happens to be the sexiest ham-ter in all of Middle-Earth" Pippen told the three startled ones.  
  
"Ohh" all of them sang like a chorus.  
  
"Wot is a Hatter?" Merry asked.  
  
"And its HamSTER you dumbasses." Sabbath shouted at them.  
  
"Sabbath!! What did I tell you about being rude to such cute little creatures?!"  
  
Sabbath ignored her. May walked up to the hobbits and shook their hands. "I am May Moss of Lake-By-Downs."  
  
"Nice to meet you-" Frodo started saying but was cut off by Merry.  
  
"Aren't you a tad big to be a hobbit? If that is what you are?" Merry started to inspect her closely.  
  
"I am-" May was also cut off in her sentence, but by Peregrin.  
  
"She is half hobbit, elf, human and pirate." He said proudly.  
  
"Pirate?" all three other hobbits asked.  
  
Pippen and May started singing the song May made about pirates, and then all the other hobbits had the same reaction and were a bit scared.  
  
"But don't worry-" Pippen started saying, but this time was cut off by May herself.  
  
"I wont harm any hobbits, such as yourselves." "Ohh." They all said with a sigh of relief.  
  
"But I might!" Sabbath shouted out at them.  
  
"No he wont" May said "Because he is mine, and he obeys what I have to say because he belongs to me."  
  
The hobbits didn't move.  
  
"May.." Frodo said as he started to get suspicious "What land of the Elves are you from?"  
  
"Ohh here and there.." she replied not wanting to make a big fuss about her not coming from any real land of the elves. "I live life like an elf, I live and was born in places of humans, I go around with the appetite of a hobbit, and I have the blood of a pirate in my veins. I am currently looking for a place to settle in with a nice male of any type of creature I am mixed of, almost anywhere."  
  
"So she will be staying here with me until then" Pippen said offering to share his place with May Moss of Lake-by-Downs.  
  
"Yeah. Im going to be staying with Pip." She gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.  
  
"So you're an Elf!" Sam had just realized and was in shock. "Ohh I adore elves! Isn't that right sir Frodo sir?"  
  
Frodo just nodded.  
  
"Umm, May, miss" Merry said looking at Pippin giving him a nudge as if to say or ask her something. May got down in her knees.  
  
"Yes Pippen, Merry.?" She said wanting to know what was on their minds.  
  
"May, Would you like to go on an adventure with us miss?" Pippin finally let out.  
  
"Umm sure! Why not! I love adventures!" May exclaimed.  
  
"Sure you do! And Im Lord Elrond's heir!" Sabbath exclaimed.  
  
"Well you do have his name." May made her point.  
  
Sabbath crawled down her side and into her pocket.  
  
"Umm what is that attire you are wearing?" Merry asked.  
  
"Ohh I don't know, I just found this" she replied knowing that they didn't know what jeans and a tank were. "LIAR!" Sabbath yelled from her pocket.  
  
May smacked the pocket Sabbath was in and heard him complain to himself. She felt something else in her baggy pants deep pockets. She reached inside and pulled out a pack of cds and a player. In the other pocket she pulled out extra batteries and head phones. "ALL RIGHT! NOTHING COULD BE BETTER!!" she starts dancing. And kept digging in her pockets. She pulled out Sabbath, speakers that go to supreme highness even though they are flat and not even an inch thick, a journal, a pen, more cds, and a mini, mini laptop. (a/n: Her pockets are SOOOO deep. Her corduroys were handed to her from her brother and the pockets are reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeely deep and actually does fit all this. Sept the laptop was quite an exaduration.)  
  
The hobbits looked at her a bit confused.  
  
"Ohh don't ask." Her pants fell down right after she said that. "ohh crap" she pulled them up emediatly. Her bright blue thong was an amazement to them. They haven't seen anything so bright and blue before. She started to blush and put the clip back attaching her pants and thong together that had apparently fallen off when she took everything out. "Do you guys happen to have a pack I can put all this stuff in?" Pippen went deeper into his hole and brought a pack. She placed everything except one Cd, the Player, and headphones. "Thanks Pip."  
  
"Gandalf said he will meet us at the Prancing Pony Inn." Frodo announced to the rest of the gang.  
  
"Then wait right here, Im going to change." She ran into Pippin's bathroom and wrapped cloth around her body and clipped it extra tight holding it with one of her black bracelets, which went well with the kaki color, then clipped it. It swayed down her body making it look like a dress. She grabbed a stick and her bag. She placed the bag around her shoulder. "Well, Lets get a move on, we don't want to keep Gandalf waiting."  
  
The rest of the gang were in shock of her beauty in that 'hand made' dress.  
  
"Are those my drapes?!" Pippen exclaimed.  
  
"Sorry Pip. I needed em." She blushed. "Come on Sabbath." Sabbath hopped into the pocket May had cut out and they headed off to the Prancing Pony Inn after the rest grabbed their sticks.  
  
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I want to know how this chapter turned out. Please review. I am looking for at least 1 to start on the next chapter. Thx!  
  
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	3. Mysterious Rider

*looks suspiciously around at you and everyone else standing around waiting for me to say something that I don't want to say*  
  
J.R.R. Tolkien runs up on stage, even being dead and all.looking dead as well and grabs me.  
  
Tolkien: If you don't say it, I shall spook you till the end of your days.  
  
Me: Fine, Fine, if I must, I do not own anything from this story except for the Damn Lamp character, Ian, *evil laugh* Yesh.I own you.You are my Slave. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  
  
Tolkien gives me a stern look.  
  
Me: Okay, fine, I don't own Ian, he owns him self.well, actually Alexander, his alter ego Minion/Demon does.I do own; May Moss of Lake-by-Downs, Ánië Vardamir, the 'Damn Lamp', Mimi, and uhh, ohh yes, This little guy *Pulls out a Black Hamster* Sabbath. I guess that is about it, and if anymore things, I shall inform you.  
  
Tolkien: Good girl. *pats Ánië Vardamir on the head* I shall go now. -He Leaves-  
  
Chapter Three; Mysterious Rider  
  
May looks around and takes Sabbath out of the pack. "Hey your getting kind of heavy man!"  
  
Sabbath mumbles to himself "Not as heavy as you'll ever be!"  
  
May looks sad and disappointed at the same time still looking at Sabbath.  
  
"Ohh my god! Im soooo sorry! I didn't mean to- I- Im so stupid" Sabbath jumps down from her hand and runs off.  
  
May feels sad and depressed inside her heart. A single tear streams down her cheek. The hobbits don't notice, since they don't look up too often. They did notice a difference in the way she walked though, even though she was behind them, her walk was slower. The girl took out her CD player and hooked up the head phones and placed in a mixed CD that she had made and started singing one of the Lord of the Rings songs "May it Be" by Enya. She didn't know a lot of the words to this song so when she sang it sounded like "May it be baghla hmmm lohalhmmm May it be the shadows fall with fly a Yamaha, may it be your journey on tonight I glek tee when the night is over come you may right to rise the sun, ohhhhhhhhh yah yeah ohh toooo ahhh believe and joy wee ha ha hmmm mmmmmrise ohh lone to have ahhhhhhhhhhhh with the end and the day hmmmm ahhhhh hhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh mmmmm looo now."  
  
The hobbits looked at her in interest not know what the hell she was saying so they thought it was some type of elvish. Pippen walked over to May and held her hand. May looked down at him and smiled. Then she realized that her black hamster was lost somewhere in middle earth!!! She quickly took her headphones off and kept them held on her neck.  
  
"SABBATH!!" she screamed for him. "Where are you!?" there was no answer. She kept calling but there was still no answer. She gritted her teeth and in her mind said "Fine! If that little Bitch of a rodent wont come back I will leave him here for those damn orcs to eat him for their mid day snack!" she hadn't realized but she had said the last part, "mid day snack" out loud. Pippen, and Merry looked at her.  
  
"Mid day snack! Mmmm that sounds good" Merry said.  
  
May just let out a deep sigh.  
  
"Merry, tell the others to stop. I think there might be something troubling May." Pippen commanded Merry.  
  
"Sit down May." Frodo said.  
  
May did so and paused her CD player at last.  
  
"Whats wrong May?" Pippen asked in wonder.  
  
"Pip..I cant find Sabbath."  
  
"Well, he was having it coming to him." Sam said.  
  
"Sam, be quiet." Peregrin commanded. "May, he will be back."  
  
"But he wont know where we will be!"  
  
Frodo came over to them. "Well, he heard us say we will be at the Prancing Pony Inn, so he might meet us there."  
  
"Well, that is true," May started, "But how will he know where the Prancing Pony Inn is?"  
  
"Well like my uncle Bilbo used to say, 'There was only one road; that was like a great river: its springs were at every doorstep, and every path was its tributary.' "It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door," he used to say. "You step into the Road and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to. Do you realize that this is the very path that goes through Mirkwood, and that if you let it, it might take you to the Lonely Mountain or even further and to worse places?" He used to say that on the path outside the front door at Bag End, especially after he had been out for a long walk." (a/n: the quote was from page 82 of the paper back version of Lord of the Ring: The Fellow Ship of The Ring; the one with Frodo on the cover.)  
  
"Well, what is that supposed to mean?! That Sabbath is going to end up in worse places?!?!" May exclaimed.  
  
"No," Frodo started, "That means that if he keeps walking down the road he will eventually find the Prancing Pony Inn."  
  
"Ohh."  
  
"And that is an encouraging thought."  
  
"HOW did I know you were going to say THAT?"  
  
The hobbits shrug.  
  
May hears something and looks in the distance but it is cut off by the road. Her ears perk up notifying everyone that she really is an elf, pointed ears, and notifys them that she can hear something.  
  
"What do you hear?" Pippin asked.  
  
Frodo looked at them "I hear it too. I think we should get off the road." The hobbits just look at him.  
  
"Frodo is true. It is not Gandalf. GET OFF THE FRICKIN ROAD!!" May yelled at them. Pippin did not hesitate and neither did the rest. They all ran behind an old oak tree. What both Frodo and May heard was louder and the rest of the hobbits heard it as well. It was the sound of hoofs from a horse. She suddenly heard foot steps falling off of the horse. It walked behind the oak tree. The creature was dressed in black. They all started freaking out, especially May, who was pulling Frodo's hand, which had the ring pointed to his finger. May closed her eyes and with her other hand covered Pippin's. The next thing she felt was a tap on her shoulder. She opened one eye to see what it was. It was the rider. Handsome he was. She wasn't scared. She opened her other eye and put the ring in Frodo's pocket also removing her other arm covering Pippin's eyes. The mysterious rider held his hand out for the girl. Pippin quickly stood up and put up his fists. "Stay Back." Pippin ordered. The rider just pushed Pippin to the side which made Pippin fall on his back. May took his hand. The Rider pulled her up. She dusted herself off.  
  
"So who are you?" May asked motioning the other hobbits to stay back, but this rider was no hobbit. He was tall and human like.  
  
"Just call me Parlet" (a/n: sounds like Par lay)  
  
"Well, Parlet, what brings you here?" Pippen said as he got up. May motioned for him to come stand by her. She placed her arm around him.  
  
"Well little one, I have just noticed this lovely lady, and I was immediately attracted her."  
  
May started blushing uncontrollably.  
  
"I see you 5 were heading towards Bree. Do you need a ride?"  
  
"NO!" Pippin said suspecting something from him. Peregrin held onto May as if hugging her by the side.  
  
"Yes we do." May started "But I think itd be best if we took separate horses. We will need two more if you are to be taking that one."  
  
Parlet whistles and two horses with saddles strapped on their backs come riding in. "Thank ye." May told him. "Come now Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pip, ye be riding with me."  
  
Pippen smiled. The rode on. The black riders never seeing them. They finally arrived at the river crossing.  
  
Parlet motioned the horses to go into the woods and away they went. The others of course got off, and all six of them got on the raft and they started to ride away.  
  
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Like again I be just asking for 3 thinggies before my next chapter.  
  
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	4. And Really Bad Eggs

Me: -looks at you and everyone else standing around- Now that Tolkien has gone, I must tell you, I do also own this Parlet guy..just to let ye know!! -giggles and rides off-  
  
Chapter Four; And Really Bad Eggs  
  
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After a few minutes of floating along the river, (a/n: I made the river longer, so I could do this..sorry Tolkien) May had an idea. She got out her CD player and pushed play. She skipped a couple songs and began to sing.  
  
"YO HO YO HO A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME" she began at the top of her lungs before the song started.  
  
"YO HO YO HO A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME,  
  
WE PILLAGE AND PLUNDER WE RIFFLE AND LOOT DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO!  
  
WE KIDNAP AND RAVISH AND DON'T GIVE A HOOT DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO!  
  
YO HO YO HO A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME,  
  
WE SNORT WE PILFER WE BELCH AND SACK;  
  
DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO;  
  
MAROD AND EMBEZZLE AND EVEN HIJACK  
  
DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO!  
  
YO HO YO HO A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME!  
  
WE KINDLE AND SHARED AND WE EVEN MIGNITE  
  
DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO  
  
WE BURN UP THE CITY WERE REALLY A FRIGHT DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO!  
  
WERE RASCALS, SCOUNDRELS, VILLAINS AND MANES;  
  
DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO!  
  
WERE DEVILS AND RATIONINGS AND REALLY BAD EGGS;  
  
DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO!  
  
YO HO YO HO A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME!!  
  
WERE BEGGARS AND FLOGGERS AND FELDOWAR CATS;  
  
DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO!  
  
AYE BUT WERE LOVED BY OUR MOMMIES AND DADS;  
  
DRINK UP ME HARDIES YO HO!!  
  
La la la la la la la la la laaaaa- AND REALLY BAD EGGS!!!!!!!!!!" (a/n: she sang this last part she added on her own louder than anyone could imagine..and as I think you can tell, she stumbled upon her words)  
  
The hobbits looked in fright and the mysterious rider just laughed.  
  
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-giggles- did you like it? I was bored so I had to add this..I was in a "YO HO" pirate mood!! -giggles- Im a pirate type o' person. This time Im just asking for 1 review since it isn't that long. -giggles-  
  
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	5. SeSeSeSexy!

Me: -runs around, does this spinney turn and looks at you- 'Ello! Its me again..I don't own anything except for -starts pointing to random things- that, that, that, this, that, those, these, this, that, him, her, she, I, it, with, the, two, little, friends, went, away, and, ate, those, two, burritos, and, I, don't, know, what, that, last, thing, was, about. Yep. That's it.  
  
-random person runs up to me-: What was that about?  
  
Me: who are you?  
  
Person: Blah. Now what was that about?  
  
Me: well, Blah, that was just about what I own.  
  
Blah: but that doesn't explain anything.  
  
Me: I know. But what you don't know is that I know you don't know you know what I mean that I don't know that u know. See?  
  
Blah: what the?  
  
Me: I also own that one person..  
  
Blah: what person?  
  
Me: u know, the one with the nose, that breathes oxygen.  
  
Blah: you mean the one with toes and hair?  
  
Me: yeah.  
  
Blah: ohh okay. Well I want to read your story now..so write!!  
  
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They arrived at the end of the lake landing in Bree. They walked to the Prancing Pony INN in no time. Frodo knocked on the door, with Pippin's arm around May's back afraid to be attacked by Nazgouls, feeling that he was safe with a tall person such as her. The person on the other side of the door looked at them.  
  
"Hobbits! 4 of them!"  
  
"5!" May said, being part hobbit.  
  
"and a rider." Said Parlet.  
  
"Aren't you too tall to be a hobbit? Well anyways what brings you here?"  
  
Frodo looked at her a bit scared. "We wish to stay at the Inn. Our business is our own!"  
  
"All right. Its just my job to ask. There be queer rider folk in town." She gave Parlet a strange look.  
  
"Im not one of them! Don't worry!"  
  
The lady opened the door to let them in. The group walked inside the Inn, and into the bar.  
  
"Gandalf aint gunna be here." May told the others, mainly to Frodo.  
  
"And how would you know this?" Frodo snapped at her.  
  
"Because I know everything."  
  
Frodo ignored her and went up to the bartender.  
  
"Why hello my little master," the bartender said. "How may I help you?"  
  
"We are friends of Gandalf the Grey." Frodo pointed to the others. "Can you tell him we have arrived."  
  
"Gandalf.." the bartender paused seeming to try to remember something. "Ohh Gandalf! Elderly fellow..long gray beard and a pointed hat is it? I haven't seen him for six months."  
  
"Ohh" Frodo looked a bit disappointed.  
  
May just snickered resting her arms around Pippin, as they all looked at him. "Now you know what Im going to say next," she began then yelled out "TOLD YA SO!!!" she began cracking up. The whole room looks at her, May not caring because she got that a lot. Frodo wanted nothing more than to disappear. Then he remembered he could, with a little help of the ring. He slipped it on immediately attracting the entire room's attention to him. The whole room let a quick gasp as the hobbit was gone in a flash of light.  
  
"Now that foo is up for it." May said knowing some time sooner or later she would see him put that ring on. She looked for the nearest table but by the time she found him with the ring off, he was grabbed by another dark feature. Then it hit her. 'STRIDER!!' she thought to herself as she began to drool. Pippin gave her a look of awkwardness.  
  
"Where did Mr. Frodo go?" Sam asked worried.  
  
May was still drooling to say what she had saw. They knew she saw something. Parlet slapped her on the back.  
  
"What did you see?" Parlet asked.  
  
"S-s-sexy.." May staggered out.  
  
The hobbits looked a bit confused.  
  
"Who?" they all asked.  
  
"Ssssexy man. Very. Very sexy man."  
  
Parley b!tch slapped her. "SNAP OUT OF IT!!"  
  
May blinked. She had just realized what she just said and was quite embarrassed. "Strider took Frodo."  
  
"Who?" they all asked again.  
  
"Ugh! You guys don't know anything do you!! Follow me!!" she ran up the stairs into the room where Strider held Frodo. Sam held up his fists.  
  
"Sam, loosen up! He's not going to harm 'Mr. Frodo' or us. He's on our side." May said saying 'Mr. Frodo' like Sam had before.  
  
Sam still held his fists as May opened the door. "Strider." She said trying not to make a fool of herself again by looking away from him.  
  
"Yes?" he said.  
  
May still held her head to the side. "We wish to talk to you."  
  
"Please miss, look at me when you are talking."  
  
She turned her head and closed her eyes. "Sorry Se-Strider." She said as she knew herself that it was him and he was all she could see in her mind.  
  
"Miss..why do you have your eyes closed? And- who are these people."  
  
Pippin jumped in front of May. "Don't worry!"  
  
May looked confused at him, "Im not." As she turned her head back to look at him, she noticed she looked at him. She started to drool uncontrollably again.  
  
The hobbits, Sam, Merry and Pippin, also including Parlet, sighed as this odd one was acting up again.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" Strider asked.  
  
"Don't ask." Parlet said.  
  
"I just did."  
  
"Well don't ask again." Pippin said as he also tried to snap May out of her trance.  
  
May still drooled staring at Strider.  
  
"How did you get her out of this last time?" Pippin asked Parlet.  
  
"Slap her." Parlet answered.  
  
"I don't want to hurt the miss!"  
  
"Fine then, I will."  
  
Pippin tried to push Parlet away from harming May.  
  
"Why don't you want me to take her out of her trance?"  
  
"Because we need brains to get her out of this sort of stage, phase, thing." Pippin replied looking smart.  
  
"Well that leaves you out." Merry barked at Pippin.  
  
Pippin just gave him an evil look.  
  
"They're coming." Strider said trying to draw attention away from the commotion.  
  
"Who is?" Frodo finally spoke.  
  
"The riders dressed in black." He explained who they were, May not paying attention still drooling, staring at Strider.  
  
They all decided to sleep in that room with Strider for the night.  
  
"What about May?" Pippin asked everyone.  
  
Parlet slapped her again and she blinked. "What happened?"  
  
Parlet looked at her rolling his eyes. "Same thing as down stairs."  
  
May blushed, strongly embarrassed.  
  
Pippin hugged her. "Its okay."  
  
May bent down to return the hug. 'Aww Pip is soooo cute!!' she thought to herself.  
  
Everyone including Sam and Frodo, who wished nothing to do with May stared at them.  
  
May got up and walked over to Strider and shook his hand. "We weren't properly introduced." She said trying her hardest not to drool for a third time, "I am May Moss of Lake-by-Downs, or Ánië Vardamir, if you prefer. I already know who you are." Finally announcing her Elvin name.  
  
Strider nodded, "Pleasure."  
  
She gave him a crooked smile. 'What the f**k does he mean by 'Pleasure'? That sick minded sexy, sexy bastard.'  
  
Strider pulled his hand away from her grip. May sat down and had a devilish thought.  
  
"Ar-Stide," she began.  
  
"Strider." He interrupted.  
  
She continued anyway. "Do you know an elf by the name of Arwen?" she asked, the devilish thought still in her head.  
  
"Why?" he asked curiously.  
  
"Because she wanted me to give you something and tell you something as well." She said trying her hardest not to giggle or even show a giggle face.  
  
"And what would that be?" Strider studied her a bit suspiciously.  
  
The group all looked at them as if they were watching a season's final of their favorite show.  
  
May wrapped one arm around Strider's neck and kissed him with the most passion she could show for him, her mind being corrupted by her evil side. Strider pushed her away quickly, even though he did enjoy the passionate kiss, not showing it, just showing anger because he didn't want to betray his loved one.  
  
"Ohh and her message was that if you enjoyed that, she didn't mind if you replied with a kiss, or anything showing the same passion." May said winking.  
  
Strider just stood up. "I would never!"  
  
The hobbits still stared at them watching every move, at what Parlet called, 'A Soap'.  
  
Pippin looked at Merry quickly pointing out, "That attack looked like fun." Referring to the kiss May gave Strider.  
  
May's good side was coming back feeling a bit guilty knowing how much he loved his girl. "I am sorry." May told him looking down at her feet.  
  
Strider still looked quite mad at her knowing it was a lie.  
  
There was a loud screech that made the group look outside the window.  
  
It was the Wring Wraiths. They all shuddered at the thought and the noise not being able to go to sleep. May turned around looking at the rest of them.  
  
"Are those, those evil thinggies that you were talking about Strigorn?" May asked questionably to Strider, whom she also knew as Aragorn, jumping up and down on a random bed looking at him.  
  
"Strider! Its Strider! And yes, those are the Wring Wraiths." Strider replied a bit ticked off.  
  
May jumped down. "Ooohh..Scarry." She looked around and saw Pippin crunched up in the corner of the room. She walked over to him. "Aww, Pippi!" The girl wrapped her arms around him. "Ill protect you Pippi!"  
  
Pippin felt safer in her arms knowing she was tall and an elf that would protect him.  
  
They all stared at May wondering what she was going to do next because of what she had done earlier with Aragorn. She just popped in another CD in her player and started singing out loud.  
  
"The colors have built up in my mind,  
  
They're bleeding through my heart,  
  
But nobody knows that they exist,  
  
Look at my bursting veins,  
  
Now do you see the red in me it's a sign for the end,  
  
Only the end of the red will show you my Blueside!  
  
I've been given my brush and plate,  
  
Where will I paint my life  
  
And the buyer in the sky,  
  
Believe in what I dream,  
  
Its so hard for me to explain,  
  
What will I miss to myself,  
  
Only the end of the red  
  
Will show you my Blueside!"  
  
(a/n: Blueside by Rooney)  
  
The song didn't seem to scare anyone, but its tune had comforted them. They had all, except for Strider and May, whom cradled Pippin in her arms, fallen asleep. 


	6. Kusser

-A bunch of people stand in line in front of me. All look exactly like me. Different qualities. One walks up-  
  
Me: I love singing as you can tell.  
  
Singing voice: Umm..but its not that good.  
  
Me: I resent that!! Ohh wait- I shouldn't, you are the one that sings for me so- HA!  
  
Singing Voice: then in that case, it is lovely like three birds in harmony.  
  
Me: that's annoying!  
  
Singing Voice: -mumbles to herself- not as much as you are  
  
Me: I heard that!!!  
  
Singing Voice: You couldn't- how- what-  
  
Me: Duh!!! Im part elf!! -smacks singing voice's head-  
  
Singing Voice: Grrr!! Ill be nice if you let me be in this story!  
  
Me: You already are!!  
  
Singing Voice: but I mean as an actual character!  
  
Me: that's way too confusing, and besides what will you have to say?  
  
Singing Voice: ohh I don't know! Just stuff.  
  
Me: No. NEXT!  
  
-new person walks up-  
  
Me: and which wonderful quality of me are you?  
  
Kusser: I am Kusser- Your best quality. -grits teeth-  
  
Me: I'll give you a shot at it. Why not, your name sounds interesting.  
  
Kusser: Thank you! Now on with the story! -teeth still gritting-  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
May had finally fallen asleep then there was a knock at the door. It startled May, whom still had Pippin in her arms not awakening him.  
  
May looked at Strider then whispered, "Do you think it's a wring wraith?"  
  
"Not quite sure. We shouldn't take our chances." They were the only two still up.  
  
The knock on the door turned into severe pounding.  
  
"Strigorn, Im scared."  
  
"Too bad. You deserve it for that foul kiss of death you have given me."  
  
"Ohh come on now, come on now, that was just to keep the kids entertained!"  
  
"Kids? What kids?"  
  
"The hobbits and Parlet of course."  
  
The pounding got louder and Strider drew his sword. May just held tighter onto sleeping Pippin.  
  
"LET ME IN YOU SONS OF B****ES!!" the voice from the door barked.  
  
"I don't think that's a wring wraith.." May pointed out as the rest of the group awoken by the loud cry.  
  
Strider had his sword out and held it close to him as he flung the door open. Parlet had jumped behind Strider with his own sword ready for the person behind the door.  
  
The looked to see who it was. May peaked from behind the wall no longer holding poor Pippin, for he was holding onto her scared stiff. The girl had looked exactly like May. May's face turned pale.  
  
The two grown men still held onto their swords but was too a bit shocked at what they had seen.  
  
"Ohh no not another one!" Aragorn cried.  
  
"Perdy, perdy princess!!" May said turning back to her normal self.  
  
The girl at the door darted in shutting it behind her. "They're here!!"  
  
"Who are?" Parlet asked.  
  
"The F***ing Wraiths you dumb sh*t!!"  
  
Strider looked at her curiously. "How do you know about them?"  
  
"Well lets just say I am too f***ing smart for my own small f***ing body!!" she barked. She was a bit shorter than May was but looked exactly the same by appearance.  
  
"No need for such foul words miss.." Strider began but didn't know her name so he motioned her to state her name.  
  
"The f***ing name is f***ing Kusser you F***ing B*st*rds!"  
  
"Well then, Lady Kusser, there is no need for such foul language." Strider repeated.  
  
"I can F***ing say what ever the F*** I want to say when I F***ing want to f***ing say it you f***ing dumba**!!!"  
  
Everyone was silent.  
  
"Well any F***ing way, the f***ing Wraiths are f***ing here."  
  
May stood up keeping one hand with Pippin. "You are soooo me in a crabby mood!" She then began to Laugh.  
  
"What kind of f***ing word is F***ing Crabby? Don't you mean B****y?"  
  
"Well- I guess so."  
  
"And besides I am you! I'm your best quality. I am the side that cusses the most. I know you've heard of me sweet a**."  
  
"I uhh- how did you get here?" May finally broke the ice by saying the question that everyone wanted to ask.  
  
"I don't know, maybe I crawled out of your f***ing a**!"  
  
May pulled Kusser aside for a moment letting go of Pippin.  
  
"Kusser," she started whispering to her, "You aren't a quality I would like to share with my friends. You're a bit, well, crude."  
  
"Well then I suggest you f***ing live with it you b****!"  
  
May gasped then glared at her a bit evilly. "How dare you!"  
  
"Ohh I dare May, I do, I f***ing dare!"  
  
They walked back out to the crowd.  
  
"Im staying with you guys whether you f***ing like it or not. Got it?" She snapped at everyone.  
  
"I wouldn't want a foul mouth such as yourself join us!" Frodo snapped back.  
  
"Well then you f***ing short a**, your going to live with it whether your little a** likes it or not!!"  
  
Frodo glared evilly at her himself. The room was soon filled with glares from everyone.  
  
"What? I cant help it if I f***ing cuss a f***ing lot!"  
  
"Well, could you at least try and cut down on it?" Merry jumped in.  
  
"Ohh that would be soooo f***ing easy!!" Kusser said sarcastically.  
  
"Well you don't have to be rude as well Miss Kusser." Sam added.  
  
"I can be as f***ing rude as I f***ing want to be you little f***ing midget!"  
  
The whole room took a step back away from Kusser.  
  
"Yeah, Im f***ing psyco, I know. It's a f***ing gift!"  
  
"Well then, I say we get a move on!" May said as she packed her stuff up.  
  
"Im with May." Pippin said in a rush.  
  
"Aww, isn't he just an adorable little bugger, that little Pippi is!" May said cheerfully.  
  
Pippin threw a broad smile.  
  
They all got ready and headed out of the prancing Pony Inn and returned on their journey. 


	7. Toast

Me: Kusser, your in for it bad!  
  
Kusser: why ever do you say that?  
  
Me: you know why! Your not a good trait!!!  
  
Kusser: well to me I am.  
  
Me: Lets get on with this so I can put you away!  
  
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"Wait I forgot something!" May said as she headed back inside the bar.  
  
They all waited for a little while until she came out with a black bag.  
  
"What is that for?" Pippin asked curiously.  
  
"This my Pippi, is a bag for me to do a favor for you guys." May answered with cheer.  
  
"How so?" Merry asked.  
  
"Watch." May took the bag and shoved it over Kusser's head and stuffed her into the bag where she tied it and threw it over her shoulder.  
  
They cheered. You could hear Kusser mumbling some dirty words inside the bag but couldn't make them out. It sounded more like fuzz.  
  
They continued walking away as May listened to some music for a while changing her CD every now and then. She would hum a few songs, and sing a few songs, and dance to a few songs with some of the people such as Merry, Parlet, and Pippin. It was mostly Pippin who wanted to dance with her for some reason that May thought of as hypergenic friendteria. Some type of disease name she made up when people acted friendly such as Pippin did around her.  
  
May had decided to put in her 'Best of Cher' CD. Yes, she was a Cher fan.  
  
She began to sing.  
  
"They say were young and we don't know, and we wont find out unti-I-I-ll we grow,  
  
Well I don't know if all that's true, cause you got me and baby I got you,  
  
Babe, I got you babe, I got you babe.  
  
They say our love wont pay the rent and for consern all our moneys all been spent,  
  
I guess that's so we don't have a lot but at least im sure of all the things weve got,  
  
Babe, I got you babe, I got you babe,  
  
I got flowers And the spring  
  
I got you, To wear my ring  
  
And when im sad, you're a clown, and if I get scared, your always arou-o-o- ownd,  
  
So don't let them say your hairs too long 'cause I don't care cause with you I cant go wrong  
  
then put your little hand in mine there aint no higher mountain we can climb  
  
Babe, I got you babe, I got you babe.  
  
I got you to hold my hand  
  
I got you to understand  
  
I got you to walk with me  
  
I got you to talk with me  
  
I got you to kiss good night  
  
I got you to hold me tight  
  
I got you- I wont let go  
  
I got you to love me so  
  
I got you babe  
  
I got you babe  
  
I got you babe  
  
I got you babe  
  
I got you babe  
  
I got you babe  
  
(starts fading)  
  
I got you babe  
  
I got you babe" (a/n: Sonny and Cher's I got you Babe)  
  
The kept walking, Frodo holding onto his ring tighter from the moment she had said the verse 'I got you to wear my ring'.  
  
They now have been walking for a long time and it was getting dark.  
  
"We should rest here." Strider said.  
  
"No, no, no!!" May said with command and worry in her eyes.  
  
"And why not?" Strider asked as if he didn't care.  
  
"Because the wring wraiths will come here, stab Frodo, and then your girlfriend-" May stopped in her tracks.  
  
"My girlfriend will what?"  
  
"Nothing.. did I say Girlfriend?! Hah! I soooo meant -coff-arwen-coff-"  
  
"What?" he didn't understand.  
  
"Ugh! We cant! Lets just head into the woods and there you'll find your girlfriend." May said girlfriend as if it were some sickening disease.  
  
"Are you sure about this?" Strider asked everyone around him.  
  
Most of them nodded except for Frodo and Sam who were busy with their own things. The others knew that May had been right about Gandalf, so they decided to trust her with it.  
  
"Fine. We will head out now." Strider commanded.  
  
They all packed up heading into the woods.  
  
"Where is she?" The ranger asked May.  
  
"She'll be her in about 5-4-3-2-"  
  
"What is this?" there was a sword by Strider's neck. "A ranger caught off his guard?"  
  
Strider looked up to see who? But Arwen!  
  
Parlet, Marry, Pippin, Frodo and Sam looked at her in amazement.  
  
"There are four black riders riding behind you. Where the other five are I do not know." Arwen said.  
  
May looked up at her. "L-L-Liv Tyler!!! Your very perdyfull."  
  
They all looked at her like if she was crazy, and she was. Arwen looked over at her boyfriend. "And who is this?"  
  
"I, miss Liv, am Ánië Vardamir, also known as May Moss of Lake-by-Downs, or Angela the Boob Toast, or just plainly and simpler Toast." ((a/n: im crazy so im calling her toast now))  
  
They all looked at her remembering the name Toast.  
  
"So Toast is it?" Arwen asked.  
  
Toast just nodded. "Im the perdyfull Toast the greatest! May I be allowed to see your father ag1ent Smith?"  
  
"My father is Lord Elrond."  
  
"Ohh I know, but he's the cool villain."  
  
Arwen gave Strider a look of 'is this girl crazy or is it me?' look. Toast could read it.  
  
"Yeah Im crazy psycho crazy. Well, are we going to go see your papa or not?"  
  
Arwen whispered something to Strider in Elvish, meaning 'Should we trust her?'  
  
"Well I personally think that you shouldn't trust me in some ways, but in other ways you should, such as when ever you need advice on who's coming and when they will be coming. I am very wise and deserve special treatment. I am a sage." Toast looked smart as she said that.  
  
Arwen looked at Strider with a worried look.  
  
"Go ahead and take her," Strider said "she has been correct about a few things so she may be of help."  
  
Toast looked happy and she started dancing around a pre-made fire then started chanting, "Im going on a ride with Liv Tyler, Im going on a ride with Liv Tyler!!"  
  
They all looked at her a bit crazily.  
  
"I know, Im psycho, but how often do you get a ride with Liv Tyler!!!" she looked at them knowing they had no idea who Liv Tyler was. "Arwen!!" they all looked as if realizing what she said, but not knowing why they called her Liv Tyler.  
  
"Why do you call me Liv Tyler?" Arwen asked.  
  
"Ohh, it's a habit." Toast answered.  
  
They all looked like they realized again, their mouths in a big 'O' shape.  
  
"Well I suggest we get on our way to Rivendell!" Toast grabbed the bag with Kusser in it and Arwen and Toast rode off way before the others had even gotten on their horse. 


	8. Spoons and Lamps Dont Mix With Toast

(a/n: Today I was getting ready to go 2 Target, so I passed my hamster, Sabbath Jack-Elrond Sparrow, yes he's real, well I passed him, and I wanted 2 play with him, and so I opened the cage and he wasn't moving. I tapped the house he was in, and he still didn't move. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Sabbath Jack-Elrond Sparrow, is Dead. I am going to have a proper burial, an write an obituary for him and try to send it out to the papers. I will always remember the good times we've had and never forget the most sexiest hamster in all of Middle-Earth. R.I.P. baby, I miss you. His spirit will always live among me.)  
  
When they finally arrived at Rivendell, Toast let Kusser out of the bag.  
  
"Where the f*** am I?!" Kusser looked a bit angry and evil.  
  
"Your In Rivendell." A blonde haired elf replied to the angry looking human side of Toast.  
  
"Whoa, this place is ACTUALLY Rivendell?!" Toast looked in amassment.  
  
"Yes it is. And who are you?" The elf asked her.  
  
"I am-" Toast was cut off by Strider, who didn't want to hear the whole explanation again, and maybe risk her changing her name once more.  
  
"Toast. Her name is Toast."  
  
"Well actually-" Strider cut her off again giving her a stern look.  
  
"Just Toast." He said.  
  
Toast shrugged then was suddenly hit by something. "OWW!"  
  
She turned around and saw Kusser was in the back whistling. On the floor was a spoon.  
  
Toast shrieked. "AHHHHHHH!!!" she climbed on Strider trying to keep safe from the horrid spoon.  
  
Striders face was filled with the 'ohh god, this is not happening to me!' look.  
  
"Whats wrong Lady Toast?" the blonde elf asked. Toast not giving him a second look, hardly even seeing his face yet.  
  
"IT'S A SPOON! THE ONLY THING SCARIER THAN LAMPS ARE SPOONS!!" Toast let out another shriek as she looked from the spoon to Kusser giggling her head off, rolling on the floor.  
  
Everyone shuddered at her shrieks because they were loud and skinny, like the noise a whistle would make, only higher pitched. Pippin walked over to the spoon and picked it up. He walked over to Kusser and hit her over the head right before he through it away.  
  
"Its alright Ma-Toast. Its gone." Pippin said as he looked up at her smiling.  
  
Toast opened her eyes to see if it was gone. She saw Kusser rubbing her head and Pippin smiling at her. She couldn't help but return the smile of her savior. His smile was warming. Toast jumped off of Strider's back whom looked quite embarrassed.  
  
"Sorry Strigorn." Toast said as she winked.  
  
"Its Strider." He looked quite annoyed.  
  
Toast looked over at the blonde elf she hardly noticed anyways and began to drool uncontrollably for the third time.  
  
The elf gave her an odd look then looked over at Strider. "Is she okay?" he whispered to the ranger.  
  
"No. She has a bit of a mental illness." Kusser cut into their conversation.  
  
Toast started to look as if she were day dreaming. Kusser poked her.  
  
"No, I like it Strigorn. You too Haldir. Yes that's right." Toast mumbled out still looking into a day dreaming phase.  
  
"So your Haldir?" Kusser looked a bit surprised at his appearance. "I would have guessed different. Ohh well." Kusser shrugged.  
  
Two guys stood behind Kusser and waited silently until she turned around.  
  
Parlet was further behind the two guys and yelled at her for her attention. "Kusser!"  
  
Kusser turned around and the two guys that were standing behind her grabbed her arms and dragged her out into the forest.  
  
Toast had just came out of her phase thing, so she looked at Parlet. "what was that about?"  
  
Parlet walked over to her and whispered in her ear, "I told the guards of Lord Elrond that Kusser said he was queer, as in liking other men."  
  
Toast started to giggle. At the thought of even the closest fact of Lord Elrond to be gay and flirting with Strider and Haldir like she wanted to was absolutely funny to her. She stopped laughing immediately and had a sad look on her face.  
  
"Anything wrong?" Parlet asked.  
  
"Ohh nothing." Toast looked down to her feet.  
  
Parlet saw her and lifted her chin to see her eye to eye. "Tell me."  
  
"I just..I just miss my hamster." Toast staggered out. "I miss him. He was rude, but I miss him. He was my best friend, even though he could speak, I knew everything I told him, he wouldn't repeat. Even in threat of death. I just miss him and Im worried I might never see him again."  
  
"You loved him that much didn't you?" Parlet asked a bit sadly.  
  
Toast just nodded, a few tears running down her face, smearing her mascara.  
  
Parlet wiped them away. "It will be okay. I can assure you, that you will reunite with him once again."  
  
She smiled a bit knowing he was right. A song suddenly popped into her head.  
  
"Hold me down, Im gunna fly straight to heaven,  
  
Hold me down, don't ever let me go,  
  
I've been around you I know I cant stay forever  
  
And when I leave I want you to know  
  
When im finally gone im gunna be gone without a trace,  
  
There's a kit if good times ahead before were done,  
  
And on top of this list of things before I leave this place  
  
You are my number one  
  
Yes you are my number one  
  
Tell me lies you know that id still believe you  
  
Stay right here don't move from that spot  
  
I can't go you know im afraid to leave you  
  
Don't you know your all that I've got  
  
Im afraid if you go you might disappear behind a mist  
  
And id rather be hung from a tree or shot by a gun  
  
And of all of these things that matter here upon my list  
  
You are my number one  
  
Yes you are my number one  
  
You are my number one  
  
Im tryin' to make it clear  
  
Im tryin' to let you know when your afraid im gunna be there  
  
And im finally gunna be gone without a trace  
  
And there's a lot of good times before were done  
  
And on top of this list of things before I leave this place  
  
You are my number one  
  
Yes you are my number one  
  
You are my number one  
  
Yes you are my number one." (Smashmouth's You are my Number One; Dedicated to you Sabbath.)  
  
"What was that?" Haldir asked as he saw her tearing up.  
  
"It was a song that reminded me of Sabbath." Toast fell on her knees and started crying, her mascara running down her face.  
  
"Who is Sabbath?" Haldir asked whispering to Parlet.  
  
"Her friend." Parlet whispered to him back.  
  
Pippin rushed over looking at Toast wrapping his arms around her in a tight embrace.  
  
"Don't worry Toast." His embrace only got tighter as he said that.  
  
Toast lifted her head up from her hands and looked at Pippin. "Pippi darlin' are you okay?"  
  
Pippin looked up at her and wiped her tears away with his sleeves. "Parlet is right. You will see Sabbath once again."  
  
Toast smiled at him and threw her arms around him as well in a hug. "Pippi, you are here for me always, and I respect that. I will always be here for you as well."  
  
Pippin smiled at both her words and the embrace. If he was suffering from Hypercronical Friendteria, he had got it bad. Toast wasn't used to a lot of actions and emotions like the ones Pippin had shown her. She kissed him on the cheek, gave him a pat on the head and stood up. "Thank you Pippi." She smiled feeling her normal self, and for having a guardian such as Pippin.  
  
Parlet looked at the other guys, Haldir and Strider. "Well, are we getting a room?" 


	9. Coffee And Toast

After they had arrived and settled into their rooms, Toast had decided to lay down. There was a slight knock on her door.  
  
"Go away! Im tired!" Toast was tired, she hardly got any sleep the past few days.  
  
"Its Parlet"  
  
"And Pippin!"  
  
"And Lord Elrond."  
  
'Elrond?!' Toast thought to her self then began to giggle. She ran over to the door and flung it open to see the three standing in front of them.  
  
"Ello!" She looked over at Lord Elrond and began to drool uncontrollably once again.  
  
"Not again!" Parlet complained as he walked over to Toast.  
  
Pippin poked her as Elrond stood looking at them a bit awkwardly.  
  
"Never forget me Agent Elrond." Toast said as she stared up into the distance holding her hands, smiling with a dreamy look in her eyes.  
  
"I think it will be quite hard to after this.." Elrond said as he still looked a bit awkward at her.  
  
Toast came out of her trance and looked at Parlet and Pippin. "Did you hear that guys?! He said he wont forget me!" She smiled and placed her hand on her head a bit dramatically and fell backwards onto her bed as she let out a deep sigh.  
  
"Right then!" Parlet looked around ignoring the confused look Elrond was giving him, slightly embarrassed.  
  
Pippin sat up on the bed looking at Toast into the face. "Are you alright?"  
  
"Yeah, 'sept for the fact that im hungry!" Toast said as she sat up looking at all three of the guys that stood in her room.  
  
"I like your thinking!" Pippin said as he smiled and rubbed his stomach.  
  
"I could surely use either a Mocha Malt or Mocha Coconut Malt, or maybe even a Chocolate Brownie Frapachino!" She started to drool at the thought of these things.  
  
"Im not sure what that is but it definitely sounds good! What is it?" Pippin looked interested.  
  
"Well it's a- aww crap! WHY ME!!! WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY ME!?!?"  
  
"Whats wrong Toast?" Pippin asked.  
  
The other two guys looked at her a bit confused, especially Lord Elrond, who had just hardly met her.  
  
"There's no Starbucks here!!!!" Toast began to shed some tears.  
  
They all looked at each other as if to say 'what?'  
  
"Starbucks!! Its my heaven!" Toast looked scared.  
  
Pippin sat closer to her and gave her a big hug. "You'll be okay." His soft talk was comforting.  
  
"I cant live without it!! I need Starbucks coffee!"  
  
Pippin wiped her tears away. "You can live with out a certain brand of coffee, you can have some coffee made here." He smiled at her.  
  
She couldn't help but smile back at him. She turned her head over to Elrond. "You have coffee here?"  
  
Elrond nodded. "Elvish coffee."  
  
"I want some. No, I need some! Can someone bring me some?"  
  
"I will." Parlet smiled, smirking at Pippin.  
  
"No, it is okay, I can bring her some." Pippin said glareing a bit at Parlet.  
  
"Umm, how about you both bring me some." Toast said smiling at the fact that she thought she solved the problem.  
  
"Are you sure? It is very strong." Elrond said looking at her.  
  
"Yeah, im sure. I can handle ANYTHING since that incident in sixth grade." Toast said looking a bit brave.  
  
"What incident?" Pippin asked curiously.  
  
"What incident? What INCIDENT?! Well, ill tell you what incident. I was in science class, and we were doing an experiment, and Jason, this evil, evil guy had hot, very hot sauce, and he gave some out to people, and gave every one, including me mouth burns." She held out her index finger. "I only had the tip of my finger, and yet I was burned."  
  
"Its not the fact that it is hot milady." Elrond said looking at her a bit annoyed.  
  
"Ohh well. In that case, I can take it, no questions asked."  
  
"But-" Elrond started saying.  
  
"NOW!"  
  
The two who promised to bring her coffee left imedatley after that and returned rather quickly, both of them out of breath.  
  
"Thank you!" She smiled then noticed how small the cups were. "Why are they so small?"  
  
"Because like I had told you, they are very strong." Elrond looked a bit worriedly at her.  
  
"Ohh well, in that case, im glad I asked for two cups." She drank one rather quickly. "Ohh my Starbucks! This is SOOOO good!! This is SOOOO better than Starbucks!" she started giggling then drank the other one. "I want more. MORE I tell you, MORE!!" she had an evil grin on her face. "Leave my minions, and get me more coffee!" Toast started giggling at the thought of how good the coffee was.  
  
They left again, and had come back with five cups each, though Pippin's batch was a bit empty, he had a few sips of them to try it out. "This is really good!" Pippin said to Parlet with amaizement right before they walked into the door.  
  
"Now that's more like it!" Toast's grin grew more evil by the second as she saw them coming closer to her with the coffees. She drank them all, no time at all. By the time they were all finished, the hair on her arms and neck stood up, and her eyes were wide open. She started giggling menacingly. "Hehe hehe hehe hehe hehe hehe hehe hehe heheeeeeee!!"  
  
They all looked at her a bit scared. Elrond had known it was going to happen eventually so he just left, not looking scared, but a bit annoyed that she didn't listen to him.  
  
Parlet and Pippin were standing on the side of the other wall opposing her.  
  
"Did you like it?" Pippin said, finally breaking the awkward silence.  
  
"Yes! Yes!!! I need to know how to make it!!" She started giggling again "Hehe hehe hehe hehe hehe hehe hehe hehe heheeeeeee!!" 


	10. Kiwi

Toast looks around for a moment, after getting back to normal from the coffee hyperness.  
  
"I am SO bored guys!" Toast looked bored indeed.  
  
The others, Parlet and Pippin looked at her to see what she was going to do next.  
  
"Ohh I wonder if my laptop works!" Toast looked through her bag and pulled out her laptop. "I wonder if anyone is online." Toast clicked around signing onto AIM. She waited a second, the two guys in total awe. "Ohh yay! My friend LeggyIsMyBiznich is online! Yay!" She clicked around some more. The two guys looked from behind. Toast kept her eyes on the screen as she pulled out pop tarts for the two men sitting behind her still in complete awe. They ate the pop tarts as they read the screen.  
  
'Devil Dalmation: Hey.  
  
LeggyIsMyBiznich: Hey  
  
Devil Dalmation: sup?  
  
LeggyIsMyBiznich: Nm, Im just going to be on Who Wants To Be a Millionare in a few minutes.  
  
Devil Dalmation: Kewlies!  
  
LeggyIsMyBiznich: What you up to?  
  
Devil Dalmation: Ohh nothing really, Im just sitting here on my Laptop.  
  
LeggyIsMyBiznich: Kewl, Kewl.  
  
Devil Dalmation: Ohh hey and one more thing, Im here in Rivendell, in M-E. Isnt that weird?  
  
LeggyIsMyBiznich: Ha ha! Yeah right.  
  
Devil Dalmation: Seriously! Pippin and this other dude named Parlet are behind me.  
  
LeggyIsMyBiznich: * waves * hi pippin!!  
  
Devil Dalmation: he said hi.  
  
LeggyIsMyBiznich: Ohh hey, I g2g, my show starts really soon. Try to find it. Bye bye  
  
Devil Dalmation: Bye!'  
  
Pippin looked over to her. "What was that?"  
  
"Ohh its my way of connecting to people around the world. Here, im going to go find the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Website."  
  
Toast clicked a few times and saw her friend on the screen. "LOOK! ITS MY FRIEND!!"  
  
Regis looked at the girl on the screen. "Are you ready to play Who Wants to Be a Millionaire!?"  
  
They played for a while, it was going by very quickly the girl was very smart. Every other minute it seemed, Regis had said "Is that your Final Answer?"  
  
The girl looked at him. "Yes it is. Hey Regis, can I ask you a question?"  
  
Regis looked a bit oddly at her, "Yes you may."  
  
"Is that your final answer?" she asked.  
  
He laughed. "Hey shes turning into me!"  
  
Everyone in the audience started laughing.  
  
"Now, for your million dollar question, the british phrase 'Bobs your uncle and Mums the word mean: A: Great, Keep it quiet. B: My mom is my uncle named Bob-" The second Regis had said that, the set chainged to Jerry Springer.  
  
"Ohh! I love this show!!" Toast screamed out.  
  
People were hitting people over the heads with chairs, and at the bottom of the screen there was a sign that said 'My mom had a sex change and is now my uncle.'  
  
Toast was giggling menacingly at the screen that had said that. Her friend was on the set of Jerry Springer, sitting on one of the chairs that was now in someone's hands, and she was trying to hold onto it for her dearest life. "AHH! GET ME BACK TO WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE NOW!!"  
  
That did the trick. The set was now back to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. "So Kiwi, what is your final answer?"  
  
The girl, known as Kiwi looked at him. "umm A."  
  
"IS that your FINAL answer?"  
  
Kiwi nodded. "Yes."  
  
"You won the Million Dollar Question!!" music started playing then it suddenly stopped.  
  
"You know, this show has made a lot of people win a Million dollars, and well, were broke, so instead were giving you a life time opertunity to go to a sacred place."  
  
"Where is that?" Kiwi asked curiously.  
  
"Middle Earth."  
  
"Hah! That place isn't real!"  
  
"YES IT IS!!" Toast screamed at her computer.  
  
"Well, I am giving you this one little thing. Take the red pill, and head off to middle earth and I will show you how far down the rabbit hole is. Take the blue pill, and wake up thinking that this was a dream and believe whatever you want to believe, and you wont even have been on this show." Regis said as he held out his hands with a blue pill in one and a red pill in the other.  
  
Kiwi looked at the cameras then quickly took the red pill swallowing it with a glass of water from the table.  
  
"Ohh he just used a scene from the Matrix!" Toast said to the guys behind her.  
  
Kiwi suddenly fell to the floor falling asleep. When she had gotten up to what seemed like a minute earlier, she was in the woods. She had fallen on Kusser, where they were not far from Rivendell. She killed Kusser once she realized, and had gotten up. She ran her way back to Rivendell and knocked on a random door that was oddly enough Toasts.  
  
"I need your help." 


	11. Thinggies Called Thongies

"What do you need help with? And- Why are your pants so- so bloody?" Toast said looking at Kiwi, who looked a bit aggravated, scared, and guilty at the same time.  
  
"I-I fell from the sky, with my bag, that I thankfully packed, and I fell on something squishy. When I got up, I noticed it was- it was Kusser, and the thing is, I got blood all over my favorite pants!! WHY MY PANTS?!?!"  
  
"Aww, your poor pants!! I loved those!! Hey, what do u have in the bag?" Toast grabbed the bag from her throwing it upon her bed, unzipping it.  
  
"Just some stuff, and since you said that you were here, and I thought you were psycho, I brought some stuff you left at my house."  
  
"What did I leave?"  
  
"Well, your new shirt, and some guy shirts that I don't even think YOU would wear." Kiwi looked at Toast a bit skeptical.  
  
"Hey! Back off! I like men shirts!" Toast pulled out a pair of men jeans. "And Jeans!"  
  
"uhh-huh." Kiwi looked at Pippin and Parlet. "Who are they?"  
  
"Pippin and Parlet. The ones I told you about online." Toast said still looking through Kiwi's baggage.  
  
Kiwi looked at the laptop noticing the chat window was still open. "And I thought you were lieing about being here."  
  
"Well, at least now you know that I wasn't. Hey, by any chance did you bring my thongs?"  
  
"Yes. Oddly enough, I do. Theyre at the bottom of the baggage."  
  
"THANK ARZA! Ive been dieing to change 'em!"  
  
Pippin, who was now eating his second pop tart looked over to Toast. "Whats a thong?"  
  
Toast took one out of the bag that was black with red flames on the front, and threw it at him. "That is." She didn't keep her eyes off the bag, which she was still looking through.  
  
"What does it do?" Pippin looked at it with more awe than he had with the computer.  
  
Toast turned her head over to him. "Now you are one nasty little bugger aren't you?" she smiled looking at him. "It protects you."  
  
"How so?"  
  
Kiwi was fastinated by the conversation going on between Pippin and Toast, trying her hardest not to laugh.  
  
Toast pulled her dress up. "It protects you. Its undergarnments." She turned around showing him the back of it. "Odd isn't it."  
  
Pippin nodded.  
  
"OHH GOD!" Toast exclaimed.  
  
"What?" Kiwi's eurge for laugter was now gone.  
  
Toast whispered in Kiwi's ear.  
  
"Ohh I have spare tampons in the compartment with the zipper. Hard to miss."  
  
Toast gave her a silent thank you.  
  
"What is a tap-ons?" Pippin asked.  
  
"That my dear Pip-Tart, you will never find out." Toast said grinning evily as she took a package, thong, shirt, and jeans hers size, and headed to the bathroom.  
  
Kiwi sat down looking at websites on the laptop.  
  
"So what does this do?" Pippin asked curiously as he stuffed the thong he had in his hand in his pocket.  
  
"It is the escape for people around the world, to meet other people and do stuff that frees their mind, body, and soul. Kinda like a car." Kiwi answered.  
  
"Ohh." Pippin didn't want to risk knowing if anything else was gross.  
  
Kiwi clicked into FF.net and began to read, and write some new material for that website.  
  
Toast came out of the bathroom looking quite refreshed, wearing Jeans, a light brown shirt that had Meadwad on it that said 'Got Meat?' on it.  
  
"Why you look different." Parlet said looking at her in her newer look.  
  
"And that's because I finally got that old thing out my ass and put a new thing thong in it."  
  
"Ohh. Do they hurt when you put the 'thongs' in?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Well, Pip-Tart, wouldn't you like to know." She winked at him as she also walked over to Kiwi. "Wacha working on there?"  
  
"Ohh just another LOTR fic." Kiwi answered not taking her eyes off the screen.  
  
"Ahh, cool."  
  
The two looked back at them in amazement, Pippin wondering what she had ment by 'wouldn't you like to know.' 


	12. The Pixy Stick Trama

"So do you have anything sweet?" Toast asked Kiwi.  
  
"Yeah, I have a whole stash of Pixy Sticks."  
  
"All right!" Toast rummaged harder though Kiwi's stuff and found the pixy sticks. Not much later, all four of them were high on sugar.  
  
Pippin was pouring them down his mouth as if there was no tomorrow. Toast had mostly wrappers of the green ones than any others, though there was a lot. For kiwi it was the blue ones, they had also equaled the cherry wrappers. Parlet was like Pippin, either didn't care which colors they had. They just knew it was sugary and sweet, and one of the best things they have ever tasted.  
  
They weren't even half way done with the amount of Pixy sticks they had left, when Kiwi whispered to Toast, something she couldn't refuse.  
  
"Yo Pippi-stick." Toast called out. "Want to learn the Can-Can?"  
  
"What is the Can-Can?" Pippin asked  
  
"Then let me show you!" Toast tried to kick up one of her legs, but fell over realizing that the Jeans weren't flexible. "Be right Back. Im going to change into a mini skirt." Toast took one she found out of the bag and ran to the bathroom and came back out quickly. "Ready? - OK!"  
  
Kiwi pulled out her camera and began taking pictures of Toast teaching Pippin how to do the Can-Can.  
  
"La, la, la la la la la, la, la la la la la, la, la la la la la la la."  
  
They finally stopped after 30 minutes of the can-can. They were both hyper, and Pippin was now as crappy at the can-can as Toast was. She never knew the can-can in the first place.  
  
Toast kicked up her leg and kicked Parlet in the chin.  
  
Parlet held his chin. "Oww."  
  
Toast started giggling evilly and it turned into an evil cough as the powder in her thought was tickling her.  
  
Kiwi and Pippin were cracking up. Kiwi fell off the bed and was now rolling on the floor laughing. Kiwi finally got up and handed Toast a cough drop.  
  
"YUMMY! COUGH DROP!! YAY!" Toast swallowed it quickly.  
  
Toast started choking on it and soon passed out. Kiwi, who was now back on the bed fell off laughing again.  
  
Pippin looked horrified. "What do I do now!?"  
  
"hand her to me." Kiwi said as she took Toast in her hands and popped the cough drop out of her thought.  
  
Toast was still passed out on the floor.  
  
"I think she needs a kiss from prince charming."  
  
"I've never heard of him." Pippin said looking at toast.  
  
"That means kiss her Pippi long stockings."  
  
"On the mouth?"  
  
"No, on the forehead! Of course on the mouth!" Kiwi said, first part being sarcastic.  
  
Pippin looked a bit scared to do so. He grabbed another pixy stick, poured it down his mouth to get a sweet taste. It happened to be a green one. He let his mouth touch hers. Kiwi trying her hardest not to laugh. Toast immediately sprung up, knocking Pippin to the floor by his forehead.  
  
"Do I taste a green Pixy stick?!"  
  
Kiwi burst out laughing. She started laughing so hard, the laughter had become silent.  
  
Toast looked up at her. "Whats so funny?"  
  
Kiwi was too occupied with laughing to actually speak. She fell off the back of the bed, falling head first.  
  
Toast looked over to Parlet, then to Pippin who was rubbing his forehead.  
  
"Hey that's funny, my forehead hurts too!" she was thinking of why it was. She then looked over to Parlet. "Why am I missing so many things?"  
  
Parlet looked over to her, his jaw still throbbing. "You choked on the cough drop and passed out. The reason why you taste pixy stick green is because that's what Pippin ate the second before he kissed you to awaken you. The reason why your head hurts is because you sent him to the floor when you sprang awake bye his kiss."  
  
Pippin was hiding behind a chair a bit embarrassed.  
  
"That still doesn't explain something." Toast said realizing that Pippin was blushing terribly. "Why is Kiwi on the floor?"  
  
"Because she fell over laughing at it all." He said showing no emotion.  
  
"ohh okay. WAIT A MINUTE?!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I was kissed by Pippin?!"  
  
"That's what I said didn't I?"  
  
At that time, Kiwi had gotten up from the floor not laughing, but when she Toast's expression, she started cracking up again.  
  
Toast turned to her. "Why don't you just stay on the floor for future reference."  
  
Kiwi nodded and dropped her body to the floor still laughing. 


	13. The Camp Fire

Pippin had finally gotten over the embarrassment of the 'kiss' that he had given Toast. Kiwi finally calmed down, Parlet's jaw stopped hurting, and he left to his own room. As for Toast, she was teaching Pippin how to use the lap top. Night was close to come, and the three started eating more pixy sticks. Toast threw one wrapper out of the window.  
  
"PIXY STICKS!!!!" Parlet ran by screaming as it hit him in the face.  
  
Toast, Kiwi and Pippin started to giggle.  
  
Toast and Kiwi walked off into the bathroom to place some of the materials from Kiwi's bag, in places where they should belong.  
  
Pippin moved the laptop by the window seal to get a better view. The laptop dropped, and fell into the bushes causing a small little fire. Pippin ran over to go find Merry and Sam. After Pippin caught up with them, Sam brought little weenies to roast over the fire. They all sat around the burning laptop and started to roast.  
  
"This is fun isn't it?" Pippin asked the other two.  
  
"Yes it is." Sam said smiling, stuffing two weenies in his mouth.  
  
"What happened to my laptop and..wheres Pippin?" Toast asked Kiwi as they came out of the bathroom laughing.  
  
Kiwi shrugged. They both heard something outside the window. They looked outside and saw Merry, Pippin and Sam.  
  
"I have an Idea!" Toast said as she got some things from a drawer that had a bunch of sweets and random camp things in it. They both ran down stairs to see the three hobbits roasting weenies.  
  
"You cant have a good camp fire without the proper equipment." Toast said.  
  
"And what would that be Miss Toast?" Sam said a bit annoyed of her.  
  
Merry had his eyes on the girl he hasn't seen before, Kiwi. "Hello."  
  
Kiwi smiled and waved at him.  
  
"The proper equipment would have to be, a tent, marshmallows, smores, and your have to have Pixy Sticks." Toast said to the hobbits who of course had no idea what she was talking about.  
  
Toast and Kiwi started to set up the tent, as they placed the marshmallows and gram crackers and chocolate around the fire. They placed the pixy sticks inside for a grand finale sweet.  
  
Toast and Kiwi both grabbed a stick, and started roasting marshmallows and showing the hobbits how to make smores. They quickly got the hang of it, and put the rest of the marshmallows and items back in the tent.  
  
"Were not going to stay for the night." Sam said.  
  
"Alright. We'll see you boys in the morning." Kiwi said smiling and waving good bye to them.  
  
"I'll stay." Merry said looking at Kiwi.  
  
"That's a good boy! Try a pixy stick!" Kiwi handed him a pixy stick and patted him on the head.  
  
"And you girls know I will stay as well." Pippin said smiling at Toast.  
  
"Alright then Pipparoo!" Toast said sitting next to him smiling.  
  
Sam walked off a bit aggravated.  
  
"Hey Merry," Toast started, "Mind go and getting us that Frodo guy?"  
  
Merry looked over at Kiwi who was now sitting next to him. Kiwi nodded.  
  
Merry left and quickly returned with Frodo by his side.  
  
Frodo sat down, and was introduced to Kiwi.  
  
"You know what! Im going to go get my acoustic guitar. Be right back!" Toast said as she ran upstairs and hardly even a minute later returned with her guitar, like she had said.  
  
She whispered to Kiwi to sing a song. Kiwi nodded, and Toast began to play.  
  
Kiwi started singing.  
  
"There once was a hobbit who carried a ring, and Frodo was his name O.  
  
F-R-O-D-O  
  
F-R-O-D-O  
  
F-R-O-D-O  
  
And Frodo was his name O!"  
  
Kiwi had informed the Hobbits to clap every time around subtracting each letter, and had described it, before the song had started. So after they got their way done with the Frodo song with clapping, they soon fell asleep around the fire.  
  
"WAKE UP! WAKE UP! FIRE! FIRE!!" Frodo screamed at everyone else who was sleeping.  
  
They woke up and noticed that the tent was burnt down.  
  
"We've been Pixy'ed!!" Kiwi exclaimed noticing that there wasn't anymore Pixy sticks or sweets that they had brought out earlier.  
  
"Why the sticks?! WHY DID THE PIXY STICKS HAVE TO GO!?!?!" Toast cried out, falling to her knees.  
  
What they hadn't realized was that most of Rivendell was burning down already.  
  
Pippin threw water over the laptop fire, and it quickly turned into an electric fire.  
  
"AHH!!" They all screamed out.  
  
By the time the fire was over, Rivendell was burnt to a crisp.  
  
"Were toast." Said Toast to Kiwi.  
  
"Looks like all of Rivendell is toast, Toast." Kiwi said back to Toast.  
  
"Your right. Now were all toast." Toast said to Kiwi and Pippin and Frodo and Merry.  
  
"Why do you keep saying toast, Toast?" Pippin asked Toast.  
  
"Because the authoress of this story has no sense of humor, and its dry like a piece of toast." Said Toast.  
  
"Whats toast?" Frodo asked Toast.  
  
"Its kinda like a slice Lembas, only more crispy and plain, and not so filling."  
  
"Ahh.." all the hobbits said at once. 


	14. The Council Of Neverland

"Look!" Toast yelled.  
  
"What?!" they all asked a bit worried about the burn-down.  
  
"I don't know why I said that but I felt like it. I have a headache. So quiet down." Toast said.  
  
"Here," Kiwi said walking over to her, "Cover your ears and scream as loud as you can."  
  
"Will it work?"  
  
"That's what I heard."  
  
The hobbits all covered their ears as Toast did so, and Toast let out a loud scream.  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Did it work?" Kiwi asked.  
  
"Did what work?" Toast asked back.  
  
"The screaming thing."  
  
"Ohh, that scream was because I saw a bug. A big scary bug." Toast shivered.  
  
"Is your headache gone though?" Pippin asked her, taking his hands off of his ears.  
  
"I don't know." She paused for a second. "No. I need Tylenol and coke."  
  
The hobbits all looked at each other puzzled, not knowing what either of them were.  
  
"Lets go find one of those Gandalf things. Maybe he can do a spell on me and make me a duck."  
  
"Why a duck?" Kiwi asked Toast.  
  
"Because ducks don't have headaches."  
  
"How do you know?" Kiwi shot at Toast.  
  
"Because I've never been a duck, and if its something I haven't been before, it doesn't have headaches because headaches are what I get and they are for people, and ducks aren't people. Besides headaches are for heads and ducks don't have heads. They have quacks."  
  
"Ahh. Makes sense now." Kiwi said.  
  
They walked around and bumped into Elrond.  
  
"'Ello Luv!" Toast said looking at him. "Do you know where wizard the Gandalf is? Lord Smith, or do you prefer Agent Elrond?"  
  
"He will be at the secret council meeting, and I do not prefer either of them."  
  
"Okay. Then Elrith it is."  
  
"No, its Elrond. Lord Elrond."  
  
"No its not, James Bond! Its Agent Smithrond."  
  
"Who is James Bond? And its Agent Smith- I- I mean Lord Elrond!"  
  
"Oki doki Agent Smithrond."  
  
"Elrond! Its Elrond!!"  
  
"Bye bye Lord Elrond Smithypants!" Toast said waving to him as they left to go to the secret council meeting.  
  
"Wonder if there's any pens there." Kiwi asked.  
  
"PENS! Once I chewed a pen, and its ink got all over the place. In my mouth, on my bed. Everywhere!" said Toast.  
  
"Eww!" exclaimed Kiwi.  
  
"Whats a pen?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Its like a quill." Both Kiwi and Toast said at once.  
  
"Eww." all the hobbits' face expressions read.  
  
"Im going to go wait and talk to uncle Bilbo." Frodo said as he turned around to leave.  
  
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Toast said.  
  
"And why not?" Frodo asked.  
  
"Because Bilbo is gunna go all Kung-Foo-I-Want-My-Ring, on your little hobbit ass." Toast said with an expression similar to Bilbo's in the movie.  
  
"Right." Frodo said, as he didn't believe her and left to go find his uncle Bilbo.  
  
Kiwi and Toast took seats next to each other with Merry and Pippin on their laps as they waited for the rest of the council to come. Soon enough they all arrived and had taken their seats.  
  
"How did you get into the secret council already?"  
  
"We know our way around." Toast said hugging Pippin, who was still sitting on her lap.  
  
"Please don't make it long and boring!" Kiwi yelled at Lord Elrond.  
  
He just ignored her. "Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You've been summoned here to answer the threat of Mordor. Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction."  
  
"Ohh my!!" Toast yelled out.  
  
"None can escape it. You will unite or you will fall. Each is bound to this fate, this one doom." He continued saying.  
  
"Did you know that fate used to be called Fatum by the Greeks?" Toast asked to anyone listening, which was only Pippin.  
  
"What is a Greeks?" he asked  
  
"Ohh its just these people that are like totally cool, and all. I heard that in a movie, the whole fatum thing." Toast said smiling.  
  
"Now if you may be quiet!" Lord Elrond continued talking, "Bring forth the ring Frodo."  
  
Frodo did so and placed it on the table.  
  
"Don't get any ideas Boromir!!!" Toast yelled out at him.  
  
He just ignored her. "So it is true."  
  
"Doom of man." Elrond said.  
  
"It is a gift. A gift to the foes of Mordor. Why not use this ring? Long has my father, the steward of Gondor, kept the forces of Mordor at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe. Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy. Let us use it against him!" Boromir said back.  
  
"I told you NOT to get any ideas!!" Toast exclaimed, "But NO! You had to be stubborn and not listen to what Lord Smithrond has said! Your just like Tinkerbell!"  
  
"And who may I ask is Tinkerbell?" Boromir asked her.  
  
"Well HU-LLO! Don't you know the stories of Peter Pan?" Toast stood up after placing Pippin off of her. "This girl named Wendy had 2 brothers, John and Michael."  
  
"Is this getting some where?" Legolas asked.  
  
Toast just ignored him. "Then this dude, Peter Pan, came into her room because he lost his shadow." At that point Kiwi grabbed Toast, covering her mouth, placing her down on the chair, sitting Pippin back on her lap.  
  
They all applauded at Kiwi shutting her up.  
  
"Let Aragorn Speak Toast!!" Kiwi exclaimed.  
  
"How did you know I was going to speak?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"I just knew." Kiwi said smiling.  
  
"Alright. Now. You can not wield it! None of us can. The one ring answers to Sauron alone. IT has no other master."  
  
"And what would a ranger know of this matter?" Boromir snapped at him.  
  
Legolas stood up, "This is no mere ranger! He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."  
  
"Aragorn. This is Isuildur's heir?" Boromir said, not looking surprised.  
  
"And heir to the throne of Gondor." Legolas said.  
  
Aragorn began speaking in Elvish, "Havo-"  
  
Legolas was pulled back onto his seat by Kiwi, and she covered his mouth.  
  
"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." Boromir said to Aragorn.  
  
"HU-LLO!" Toast pointed to Aragorn, "He IS the frickin King of Gondor you nunce!"  
  
They all looked a bit puzzled at the word she had used, then continued talking about the ring.  
  
"Aragorn is right, we can not use it. You have no choice the ring must be destroyed." Lord Elrond said, coming back into the conversation.  
  
"Then what are we waiting for?" Gimli said as he got up and took out his ax and smacked the ring, springing the short fat dude on the floor, the ax breaking.  
  
Toast and Kiwi began to giggle.  
  
"The ring cannot be destroyed Gimli, son of Gloin by any craft that we here possess. The ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom. Only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came. One of you must take it." Lord Elrond said.  
  
"Ain't Me!" Toast exclaimed.  
  
"One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep." Boromir began.  
  
"Does that mean that they are insomniacs like I am? Hey maybe they are related to me, because im evil, and I rarely ever sleep." Toast said. They just ignored her.  
  
"The great eye is ever-watchful. It is a barren wasteland. Riddled with fire, and ask, and dust." Boromir continued.  
  
"Hey wasn't there a song like that. One we had to sing in elementary school? Like I think it went something like, 'Ashes to ashes and dust to dust.' But I forgot the rest." Toast said babbling, not really paying attention to what Boromir had to say.  
  
"The very air you breath is a poisonous fume. Not with 10,000 men could you do this. It is folly." Boromir said, finishing up.  
  
"Have you heard Nothing Lord Elrond has said?" Legolas said breaking away from Kiwi's grasp, pushing her too the floor. "The ring must be destroyed."  
  
"What is this, my millionth time on the floor?! Ohh! Its colorful!" Kiwi said giggling.  
  
"And I suppose you think you are the one to do it!" Gimli barked at Legolas standing upright once again.  
  
"And if we fail, what then? What if Sauron takes back what is his?" Boromir said.  
  
"Hes a pessimist I tell you. Fully through, he doesn't think anything of anything, except for bad stuff. Hes surly a pessimist." Toast said to no one in particular.  
  
"I will be dead before I see the ring in the hands of an elf! Never trust an-" Gimli started saying but was tackled to the floor by Toast, who was now angry because she herself was an elf. He let out a faint "Oof!"  
  
Gandalf's voice rang around the tops of the many voices that were now fighting, "Do you not understand? While you bicker amongst yourselves, Sauron's power grows! None can escape it! You'll all be destroyed!!"  
  
They didn't listen. Toast was punching Gimli, Pippin and Merry were trying to pry her off of him, and Kiwi was around feeling the floor and its warmth.  
  
"I will take it!" Frodo cried out, yet no one was listening.  
  
"I will take it!" He exclaimed again. There was an awkward silence. They all stopped fighting to see the hobbit, now on his feet. Toast was on her back on the floor, with the two hobbits that pried her off of Gimli, looking at her. Kiwi was spying on Legolas.  
  
"I will take the ring to Mordor. Though, I do not know the way." Frodo continued to say.  
  
Gandalf looked at him with a small smile of happiness. "I will help you bear this burden Frodo Baggins. As long as it is yours to bear."  
  
Aragorn walked over to Frodo. "If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."  
  
Legolas came over as well, "And you have my bow."  
  
"And my stupidity." Toast said looking at the sky.  
  
"And as long as there is a floor on the way, I will go. So practically you have my legs." She looked at Legolas. "Aint that right Leggy?" she nudged him with her elbow.  
  
Gimli then walked over. "And My Ax."  
  
Parlet came over and flashed his sharp teeth. "And my teeth."  
  
Boromir was next to walk over. "You carry the fates of us all, little one. If this is indeed the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done."  
  
Sam jumped out of the bushes, "Frodo's not going anywhere without me!"  
  
Elrond looked at them. "It is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is summoned to a secret meeting and you are not."  
  
Toast and Kiwi looked at Elrond. "Neither were we."  
  
Elrond ignored him with the voice of Merry running towards them, followed by Pippin. "We're coming too! You'll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us."  
  
"Don't tempt Lord Elrond Merry!" Kiwi said.  
  
Pippin looked up at them all. "Besides you need intelligence in this sort of mission. Quest. Thing."  
  
"Well that rules you out Pip." Merry said, but then getting elbowed by Toast.  
  
"12 companions." Lord Elrond said, "So be it. You shall be the fellowship of the ring."  
  
"Yay im part of the fellowship!" Toast said as she started to dance.  
  
"Great! Where are we going?" Pippin asked.  
  
Toast gave him a noogie. "Mordor you little kyootie."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Hey guys! I got a new hamster! His name is Spunky Aragorn Toodles. Weird, I know. He wont replace the spot I have for Sabbath, but still just to let you know I got a new Ham ham.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 


	15. A Bit on the Depressing Side

They all packed for travel, of course the girls had to pack their valuables. Toast suddenly hit a phase of depression, and lay in bed with covers pulled over her head.  
  
"Come on now! We need to head off to Mordor! We'll be late!!" Kiwi yelled at her, shaking her to try and get her out of bed.  
  
"I don't want to go. Leave without me." Toast said, her head was still covered.  
  
"No, Come on, we aren't leaving without you! At least Pippin isn't, and neither am I. And if Pippin or I don't go, Merry most likely wont either! The Fellowship cant break already!! Come on!"  
  
Toast just put her headphones on, and closed her eyes, pressing Play to the Pink Floyd CD inside.  
  
She started mumbling the beginning to the first song on the Dark Side of the Moon CD,  
  
"I've been mad for fucking years, absolutely years, been  
  
over the edge for yonks, been working me buns off for bands..."  
  
"I've always been mad, I know I've been mad, like the  
  
most of us...very hard to explain why you're mad, even  
  
if you're not mad..." she then began humming the rest of it, until it got to more lyrics, "Breathe, breathe in the air  
  
Don't be afraid to care  
  
Leave but don't leave me  
  
Look around and chose your own ground  
  
For long you live and high you fly  
  
And smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry  
  
And all you touch and all you see  
  
Is all your life will ever be  
  
Run, run rabbit run  
  
Dig that hole, forget the sun,  
  
And when at last the work is done  
  
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one  
  
For long you live and high you fly  
  
But only if you ride the tide  
  
And balanced on the biggest wave  
  
You race toward an early grave."  
  
"Fine! Be that way! I'll just leave you here." Kiwi said hoping she'll just come out of it and come with her and the rest of the fellowship.  
  
Toast just turned her volume to max and skipped to the fifth song, Money, and began to sing.  
  
"Money, get away  
  
Get a good job with more pay and your O.K.  
  
Money it's a gas  
  
Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash  
  
New car, caviar, four star daydream,  
  
Think I'll buy me a football team  
  
Money get back  
  
I'm all right Jack keep your hands off my stack.  
  
Money it's a hit  
  
Don't give me that do goody good bullshit  
  
I'm in the hi-fidelity first class traveling set  
  
And I think I need a Lear jet  
  
Money it's a crime  
  
Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie  
  
Money so they say  
  
Is the root of all evil today  
  
But if you ask for a rise it's no surprise that they're  
  
giving none away," At this time Kiwi headed out the door.  
  
Toast just continued singing.  
  
"Money it's a crime  
  
Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie  
  
Money so they say  
  
Is the root of all evil today  
  
But if you ask for a rise it's no surprise that they're  
  
giving none away."  
  
By the time that the song was over, Toast had sat up. 'What am I doing?' she thought to herself. 'the fellowship needs me and my stupidity. but why am I so depressed?'  
  
The song Us and Them started playing, and it was running through Toast's head as she began mumbling the words to it.  
  
"Us and Them  
  
And after all we're only ordinary men  
  
Me, and you  
  
God only knows it's not what we would choose to do  
  
Forward he cried from the rear  
  
and the front rank died  
  
And the General sat, as the lines on the map  
  
moved from side to side  
  
Black and Blue  
  
And who knows which is which and who is who  
  
Up and Down  
  
And in the end it's only round and round and round  
  
Haven't you heard it's a battle of words  
  
the poster bearer cried  
  
Listen son, said the man with the gun  
  
There's room for you inside  
  
Down and Out  
  
It can't be helped but there's a lot of it about  
  
With, without  
  
And who'll deny that's what the fightings all about  
  
Get out of the way, it's a busy day  
  
And I've got things on my mind  
  
For want of the price of tea and a slice  
  
The old man died."  
  
Toast thought for a moment and sat up. She turned her CD player off. 'I need to go find kiwi and go and apologies to her. She's right, im needed, im stupid, but im needed.'  
  
She packed her stuff back up, traveling lightly, and headed out the door to go find Kiwi. She walked towards the lake and heard some talking. She crept behind some bushes, and got as close as she could, trying hard not to be noticed.  
  
Toast noticed it was Arwen and Aragorn talking to each other.  
  
"You said you would bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortality of your people." Aragorn said looking at her.  
  
"And to that I hold." She placed a necklace in his hand, that Toast could only tell was white.  
  
"You can not give me this."  
  
"It is mine to give to whom I will.like my heart."  
  
"Ohh brother!" Toast accidentally said out loud rolling her eyes.  
  
"Did you hear that?" Arwen asked Aragorn.  
  
He just nodded.  
  
'Ohh god, ohh god, ohh god.don't let them find me!!' Toast thought to herself shutting her eyes as tightly as possible. She suddenly felt something pull her out of the bush she was hiding in.  
  
She opened one eye to see that she was being held by Aragorn.  
  
"What were you doing?" he asked.  
  
"I heard voices, I didn't really think anything of it, I swear. Please, go about your business and kiss, hold hands, what ever. Please put me down, I didn't mean to cause any harm." Toast cried out.  
  
"Your eyes are pure, I believe you. Do not do it again." He gave her a stern look.  
  
"Yes sir. Sorry Miss Arwen ma'am. Aragorn." Toast nodded, picked up her bag of stuff and ran to go find Kiwi.  
  
Toast spotted Kiwi, along with Pippin and Merry by her side.  
  
"Ki-Mer-Pip! Wait up!" Toast yelled running towards them.  
  
"Yes?" Kiwi looked at her.  
  
"Im sorry. You were right. I am ready to go." Kiwi said taking short breaths.  
  
"Alright. Well we got to meat up with the rest of the fellowship in ten minutes. Come on, lets go." Kiwi said as all four of them left walking to go find the fellowship.  
  
~*~*~*~*~* 10 min later ~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The fellowship were all together again.  
  
Elrond looked at them. "So you are all ready to leave?"  
  
They all nodded.  
  
"Then let the games begin!" Toast exclaimed. She then nodded her head, "sorry Lord Elrond sir. Your call."  
  
They all left after Elrond gave the word. 


	16. Im Not Crazy

The twelve companions continued walking, getting themselves out of Rivendell. Toast's depression was coming back- no known cause.  
  
Pippin walked up to Toast, noticing that she was looking quite sad.  
  
"Whats wrong?" he asked in a cheerful voice, trying to cheer her up.  
  
"Ohh nothing Pippin my darling." She said back to him, plainly, but in a fake English accent.  
  
Pippin placed one arm around Toast's waist. "Maybe if you listen to some cheerful music, you'll feel better."  
  
"Its way-far beyond any power music can do Pip." She said sighing a bit.  
  
"Is it because you miss the Shire, or where ever it was you came from?"  
  
"Well Pip, my monkey, its not tat I miss the Shire, I mean, well, the only time I've been there was when I met you. Im actually not from Middle-Earth, if that's hard enough to believe."  
  
"I knew it! I knew you weren't from Middle-Earth!"  
  
"Yes, yes. Keep it down Pip."  
  
"So where are you from?"  
  
"A place called California."  
  
"What was it like there?"  
  
"Well, it was Sunny."  
  
"Anything else?"  
  
"Pip, I really don't wish to talk about this right now."  
  
"Okay then. What DO you want to talk about?"  
  
"Nothing, really, I don't think Im quite in the mood of talking at this moment."  
  
That night, they were all getting quite tired. Toast was munching on a bag of Kix.  
  
"Toast, im hungry. Give me some of those." Kiwi said grabbing into her bag.  
  
"I swear, Im going to get high off of these kix if I don't get any real food." Toast said complaining.  
  
"What are you eating?" Pippin said walking up with Merry.  
  
"Cerial." Toast gives them some.  
  
"Its kind of dry" Merry said.  
  
"Ohh well. Hey you guys go get us some food." Toast said.  
  
Merry and Pippin left to do so. They came back soon enough, and with what looked like they had boobs under their shirts.  
  
Kiwi and Toast tried not to laugh.  
  
"So I see you've grown bigger than I have." Toast said keeping her giggles to herself.  
  
Merry and Pippin looked at each other. The expression on their faces as they saw each other was priceless.  
  
The girls started cracking up as the two hobbits pulled the food out of their shirts, piling them on the food they had in their hands, placing them on the floor.  
  
"Ohh good, they brought food." Legolas said coming out of the tent.  
  
They all ate the food the two hobbits brought for them.  
  
"You know," Toast said to Kiwi, "I am part hobbit, but I hate mushrooms! They taste like human flesh."  
  
"Eww.." Kiwi said.  
  
"I hate mushrooms too!" Pippin said looking at Toast.  
  
"No you don't. You love mushrooms." Toast glared at him for lying to her.  
  
Pippin shrank down.  
  
"Aww Pip, how can I get mad at someone as cute as you!!" She said wrapping her arms around him in a tight embrace.  
  
Pippin smiled happily feeling her wrapping his arms around him.  
  
Merry and Kiwi smiled as in, aww, how cute!  
  
The next day the had gotten further up the snowy mountain. (a/n: sorry, not thinking straight, cant remember the name)  
  
Kiwi ran up to Toast. "Come on, lets do some training. What weapon do you want?"  
  
"Sword."  
  
Kiwi threw Toast a sword. "Okay then, you will be training with Merry and Pippin. They are over there with Boromir."  
  
Toast walked over to where Merry, Pippin, and Boromir were. Kiwi went off and was training with Legolas on how to use the bow and arrow.  
  
They began training, and Toast was a bit off balance.  
  
"Move your feet." Aragorn said, watching them.  
  
Boromir accedently hit Toast on the wrist. Merry and Pippin looked a bit mad and darted at him. Aragorn was about to dart for them as well, then he noticed that it was just playfully. Toast didn't move and just held onto her sword. Toast didn't care about the cut.  
  
The scene turned dark and it looked as if it was a stage, the whole place. The people that were standing around Toast, including Kiwi, were all oddly turned into cardboard. There were lights shining on Toast, and she was dressed in a small bathing suite type of dress, with red beads hanging down it. (a/n: think Chicago). Then music started playing, and she began singing.  
  
"What ever happened to- wait wrong song!" the music stopped. "Its supposed to be the song Unwell by Mashbox twenty, but apparently its Class- ohh its Class! Ill do this song! I like it! Restart!" The music began again.  
  
"What ever happened to fair dealing, and pure ethics and nice manners,  
  
Why is it everyone now, is a pain in the ass what ever happened to class, Class.  
  
What ever happened to please, may I, yes thankyou and how charming, now every sonofabitch is a snake in the grass. What ever happened to class? Class.  
  
Ohh there aint any gentlemen to open up the doors, there aint no ladys, not theres only pigs and whores, and even kids will knock u down so they can pass. No bodys got no class  
  
What ever happened to old value, and fine morals, and good breeding,  
  
Now no one even says oops when there passin their gas, what ever happened to class, class.  
  
Ohh they're aint any gentlemen that's fit for any use, and any girl'd touch your privates for a duce,  
  
And even kids will kick your chins and give u sass, no body's got no class  
  
All u read about today is rape and theft  
  
Jesus Christ, aint there no decency left  
  
No body's got no class  
  
Every guy is a snot  
  
Every girl is a twat  
  
Holy shit  
  
Holy shit  
  
What a shame  
  
What a shame  
  
What became of class." (a/n: Class on the Chicago Soundtrack)  
  
Toast bows. "Now for the original song I was going to do." Toast now has a coat on top of her sassy outfit.  
  
"All day staring at the ceiling  
  
Making friends with shadows on my wall  
  
All night hearing voices telling me  
  
That I should get some sleep  
  
Because tomorrow might be good for something  
  
Hold on  
  
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown  
  
And I don't know why  
  
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
  
I know right now you can't tell  
  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
  
A different side of me  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
  
I know right now you don't care  
  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
  
And how I used to be...me  
  
I'm talking to myself in public  
  
Dodging glances on the train  
  
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me  
  
I can hear them whisper  
  
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me  
  
Out of all the hours thinking  
  
Somehow I've lost my mind  
  
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
  
I know right now you can't tell  
  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
  
A different side of me  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
  
I know right now you don't care  
  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
  
And how I used to be  
  
I've been talking in my sleep  
  
Pretty soon they'll come to get me  
  
Yeah, they're taking me away  
  
But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
  
I know right now you can't tell  
  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
  
A different side of me  
  
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
  
I know right now you don't care  
  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
  
And how I used to be  
  
Yeah, how I used to be  
  
How I used to be  
  
Well, I'm just a little unwell  
  
How I used to be  
  
How I used to be  
  
I'm just a little unwell." (a/n: Mashbox twenty's Unwell)  
  
The lights die down, and Toast is back in her original outfit, the fellowship isn't cardboard any more, and the scene isn't a stage. Toast was still in her original, 'I need help' pose, looking up into the sky.  
  
"Toast?" Boromir said as he got up.  
  
Toast looked over. "yeah?"  
  
"Are you okay? You've been standing in that pose for quite some time now."  
  
"I was just singing to myself."  
  
The was a heard of black birds coming down.  
  
"Lets hide." She said as she got down, the rest following her lead. 


	17. Gilligan's Fellowship?

Hey! This might look a lil different.. Cause this is Jessy-J05 cause Mimi's computer is being evil... Yep.. I'm Kiwi.. Moo ha moo ha! She wrote this chapter, so enjoy! And no she doesn't own Lotr.. Or Gilligan Island.. Or atleast I don't think she does...  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
After the birds had gone, they kept walking and Toast noticed Boromir kept giving her the eye.  
  
"WHAT!?" Toast asked yelling at him.  
  
"Nothing." He said looking back forward.  
  
"Right then…" Toast looked over to Kiwi. Kiwi nodded and they both began to sing.  
  
"Just Sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip,  
  
that started from this tropic port aboard this tiny ship.   
  
The mate was a mighty sailor man the Skipper brave and sure five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour, a three hour tour.   
  
The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed,   
  
if not for the courage of the fearless crew,   
  
the minnow would be lost, the minnow would be lost.   
  
The ship set down on the shore of this uncharted desert island,   
  
with Gilligan, the Skipper too, a Millionaire, and his wife, a movie star, the professor and Maryan, here on Gilligan's island!   
  
So this is the tale of our cast-a-way, there here for a long, long time, they have to make the best of things its an up-beat climb,   
  
a first mate and his skipper too will do the very best, to make the others comfortable in the tropic island mist,   
  
no phone, no lights, no motor car, not a single luxuary, like robbinson Caruso, its primitave as can be.   
  
So join us here each week my friends, and your sure to get a smile. From seven stranded castaways here on Gilligan's Island!!"  
  
Everyone was looking at them, as if they were crazy, and yes, they were. Pippin ran up to Toast, hugging her by her side, and Merry did the same, only for Kiwi.  
  
"Gandalf!" Toast said as he then turned and looked at her.  
  
"Yes miss?" He said.  
  
"Do you mind if we call you Professor? And Gilligan can be umm," she looked around for a moment, "Legolas! And the Skipper is of course Gimli! Boromir, you'll be Mr. Howell. Aragorn, your Mrs. Howell, and lets see, for Ginger, will have to be Frodo, since he likes attention, and Mary Ann will be Sam. There we go." Pippin and Merry looked pleased that they were themselves. A few looked offended for getting female names. They just ignored the looks and continued on their journey.  
  
-end- 


	18. The Tape Fight

Kiwi, Toast and everyone else continued back on their way, it was getting late, so they decided to make tent.  
  
After a while they had all been inside the camp, and the only light that now showed, was the moon, and the stars. It was really romantic.  
  
They had all fallen asleep, and even though Toast, was part elf, she couldn't stand the fact that elves slept with their eyes open. Toast was totally creeped out by it, and she had to sleep next to Legolas.  
  
She looked over towards him, and over his head, wanting to know if he was awake or asleep.  
  
Toast pulled his eyelids down, to cover his eyes. They just sprang back up.  
  
'Aww, why'd I have to sleep next to Elf boy?! ARG!' she thought to herself, as she kept pulling his eyelids down.  
  
She then pulled out a scotch tape dispencer, and ripped two pieces, holding Legolas's eyelids shut. They held, and she soon was able to fall asleep.  
  
Not too long after, everyone was awoken by the screams of the Elf boy.  
  
"ITS DARK! I CANT SEE! IM BLIND!! AHH!!" He screamed.  
  
"Hush down Gilligan!" Toast said, removing the pieces of tape from his eyes. "You scared the bejesus out of me with your eyes open, so I had to place these over your eyes. Its something I never would have fallen asleep without. Now will you put them back on so I can sleep?"  
  
"Its not all about you Miss. This is how I sleep, you may not like it, but I do, and you can not change that about me." He said to her.  
  
"Wanna bet?" She said holding more tape.  
  
"That wont work I know how to take it off now."  
  
She shrugged, and everyone else fell asleep, except for the two that were quarreling.  
  
Toast placed the tape over his eyes again, each in a long strip, making sure that they covered his eyebrows.  
  
Legolas quickly pulled the tape from his face, making him yell again.  
  
"That Hurt!" he said looking to the tape that had his hair on them.  
  
The others were still asleep, not caring what was going on.  
  
Toast started laughing at him. "I told you that you cant handle the power of tape."  
  
Legolas glared at her a bit evilly, rubbing his sore eyebrows.  
  
"Now if you double that feeling, that's how I feel when I have my brows waxed." She said smirking a bit.  
  
"Wipe that smirk off your face." He said looking a bit mad at her.  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"Because its not lady like, and its rude."  
  
"Who said I was a lady, and who the hell said I wasn't rude. I am not a 'Lady' but I am a girl, and I am soooo not, not rude, I mean, why wouldn't I be rude? Its fun! Especially to people who creep me out.like when people sleep with their eyes open.like friggin horses! Ohh I remember once I took a trip down to Lindsay and I was on a ranch, and I met this horse named Mimi. She was sleeping with her eyes open as well. She was so cute!! And the best part- her name was Mimi! Can you imagine that?!"  
  
"Whats so hard to believe about a horse named Mimi?"  
  
"Hu-llo! My name- ohh wait. Im Toast. He he he. I forgot."  
  
"You forgot your name..right."  
  
Toast socks him in the arm. "Shut it Elf Boy before I..I do something."  
  
"Ohh no! More tape!" he said sarcastically.  
  
"Worse than tape." She gave him an evil glare.  
  
He rolled his eyes. "Now if you don't mind, I am going to go to sleep."  
  
"Then close your eyes!"  
  
"No, If you don't wish to see how I sleep, then I suggest you turn the other way."  
  
"But I'll still know your eyes are open."  
  
"Then pretend they aren't!"  
  
"I cant do that knowing im lieing to myself! Its just wrong."  
  
"And hurting others isn't?"  
  
"I didn't hurt you- you- you nunce!"  
  
"You hurt my eyebrows."  
  
"Did not. It was your fault. You pulled the tape too fast."  
  
"But you put it there."  
  
"Because u keep your eyes frickin open!!"  
  
"Im sleepin' outside."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Fine!"  
  
Toast runs away and sleeps outside in the cold. She was never one who was easily cold, but this was too extreme. No blankets. No coat. A shirt and a mini skirt. She sat with her knees under her shirt, her hands tucked inside. 


	19. Embarassment For Toast And Pippin

Toast decided that she would walk around for a while, so she went back inside, to where everyone was asleep, and she grabbed her bag and her sword and began walking.  
  
For about ten minutes, or so she thought, she had been walking without seeing anyone, or anything. She turned around and all she could see was snow. She had no vision of the camp sight, or anything. She was getting colder by the second.  
  
She could hardly see past her hand. She started walking back, behind where she had been walking.  
  
The sun started coming up, which meant at least an hour had passed since she left the camp. She had been walking the opposite way longer than she had been walking away from the camp.  
  
'Did I miss the Camp site?' she thought to herself.  
  
She sat down by a tree, and turned on her head CD player.  
  
She began singing.  
  
"I thought you was the one hon yeah  
  
when I met you at the freaknin'  
  
whoever thought you'd be the type to greet and keep secrets  
  
my friends said don't sleep but I did so now I'm reapin'  
  
desease that I sold I can't beleive you so deceivin'  
  
sneakin' out on the weekends with Michelle  
  
one of your freak friends from the east end she bad as hell  
  
half black and Indonesian the one that tought you treason  
  
cupid shoot me on my heart but damn why'd you leave it bleedin'  
  
I gave you no reason to lie  
  
but you choose to live untrue  
  
knowing how I feel inside  
  
there's no telling what I might do  
  
cause I gave you  
  
all my mind  
  
all my soul  
  
from the very start  
  
I gave you full control and you broke my heart  
  
I tried to show you a better way of life  
  
but I see that must be what you like  
  
I loved you more than anything  
  
I tried to build the future turn a house into a home  
  
I wanted us to be one flesh and one bone  
  
it's so hard to keep my sanity  
  
now I can do is sit back and reminisce  
  
look at the pictures in the frames yo  
  
why you playin' games yo  
  
as I think back to the begining we was together  
  
we both loved sports long walks and autumn weather  
  
both wanted kids and a family a strong personality  
  
I liked the way you handled me  
  
candles be lit mood set food set you ready yet  
  
that's what you said while you was massagin' my head  
  
now look here I could never leave you lonely  
  
cause the love you showed me had me feeling like you already had known me  
  
'member when you used to blindfold me till I don't see  
  
use your mind that's what you told me  
  
kissin' me slowly  
  
never was the loud type always on the low key  
  
pretty style but rugged  
  
damn I brother I loved the  
  
the birds of a feather 'sposed to fly together  
  
guess that don't apply to birds of your kind  
  
cuase you only wanted what you wanted like a poacher  
  
came to steal my heart and leave me to die  
  
(I ain't going out like that though)  
  
all my mind  
  
all my soul  
  
from the very start  
  
I gave you full control and you broke my heart  
  
I tried to show you a better way of life  
  
but I see that must be what you like  
  
I loved you more than anything  
  
I tried to build the future turn a house into a home  
  
I wanted us to be one flesh and one bone  
  
it's so hard to keep my sanity  
  
now I can do is sit back and reminisce  
  
look at the pictures in the frames yo  
  
why you playin' games yo  
  
I loved you more than anything  
  
I loved you more than anything  
  
I tried to build the future turn a house into a home  
  
I wanted us to be one flesh and one bone  
  
it's so hard to keep my sanity  
  
now I can do is sit back and reminisce  
  
look at the pictures in the frames yo  
  
why you playin' games yo  
  
I loved you more than anything  
  
I tried to build the future turn a house into a home  
  
I wanted us to be one flesh and one bone  
  
it's so hard to keep my sanity  
  
now I can do is sit back and reminisce  
  
look at the pictures in the frames yo  
  
why you playin' games yo." (a/n: Will Smith's I Loved You)  
  
Toast didn't know why she began to sing that song, but she wanted to play it more than anything at that time. She wasn't really used to that song anyways. It just seemed appropriate for her to sing it and hear it at that point.  
  
She somehow felt loved. She didn't know why, or by who. Just, loved.  
  
She felt something on her shoulder. She didn't care if it was an orc. She thought she would have died either way by the cold weather, and freeze to death. She thought for a moment, and the touch didn't feel of an orc. She felt warmth, and a bit of safety.  
  
She turned around to see a short little cute guy, who had his hand on her shoulder. It was Pippin.  
  
She felt somewhat relieved to see him. She didn't feel cold any more, and before she knew it, her arms were wrapped around him. Not of a friendly embrace, but intimate.  
  
She noticed what she was doing and quickly let go of him. She took her headphones off, and started blushing.  
  
"What are you doing here?" She asked him.  
  
"We noticed you were gone, and so we went out in search for you. I found you once you began singing. I was a bit enchanted by it, so I waited until you were done singing." Pippin said.  
  
"I-" she could tell he didn't care about the hug, since he didn't say anything about it. She was blushing of both the hug and the fact that he said he enjoyed her singing.  
  
He couldn't see her blushing, but he knew something was up.  
  
"Are you alright?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah, just a little cold." She crossed her arms over her body.  
  
"Well you should be. You are sitting in deep snow, wearing barley nothing at all." He held out his hand to help her out.  
  
She knew it wouldn't help, but took it anyways, also supporting her self on the tree. When she stood up, her knees were wobbly, and she could hardly support herself.  
  
She grabbed her bag and sword, and tried to balance herself. She failed at it, and fell back. She was still holding onto Pippin at the time, causing him to fall on her.  
  
That caused both Toast and Pippin to blush uncontrollably.  
  
It was silence between the two for a moment.  
  
"Cold. Very cold." Toast said, breaking the awkward silence.  
  
Pippin got off of her, and pulled her up. "Are you alright?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah. Im just cold." She said, still looking as embarrassed as he did.  
  
Toast brushed herself off of her self. "Hey where is the rest of the crew?"  
  
"They are still sleeping."  
  
"I thought you said they were all looking for me."  
  
"Actually, I was the only one looking for you."  
  
"Ohh, kinda like a mission, quest, thing?" She said a bit jokingly.  
  
"I resent that."  
  
"Ohh Im sorry Pip. I didn't mean to offend."  
  
They went on walking, and even though Toast didn't have her CD player on, she was singing a few verses of songs stuck in her head.  
  
"Or in the darkest nights, no one knows, Good bye Ruby Tuesday, still im gunna miss you." She began, then switched songs. "I see a red door and I want it painted black, no colors anymore, I want them to turn black, I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes, I have to turn my head until the darkness goes, I see a line of cars and they are painted black, with flowers and my love both never to turn back, I see people turn their heads and quickly turn away, like a new born baby it just happens every day. I look inside myself and see my heart is black, I see my red door and its heading to black."  
  
Pippin turned to her, "Why the switch of tunes so sudden?"  
  
"Cause I don't know all the words to Ruby Tuesday, and secondly, I like the song Paint it, Black. They are both by the Rolling Stones you know. They are awesome. That group is one of my favorites."  
  
Pippin looked to her curiously. Wanting her to continue both her singing and her talking, he asked her, "Who are some of your favorite singers?"  
  
"Well, Im not one for single singers, but I do like bands, like Sublime, The Rolling Stones, like I had said, ohh man, there are so many bands that I love."  
  
"Ohh really? Sing some of the stuff they sing."  
  
"You really want me to sing?"  
  
"Yes. I like your singing."  
  
She blushed a bit again at this. "Alright then. What do you want me to sing?"  
  
"Anything you wish."  
  
"Like what type? Love, romance, drama, comedy, tradgety, death, pirates..what?"  
  
"Umm, how about a mix. Or a feeling that you have or are feeling right now."  
  
She thought for a moment. "Alright, I'll sing a song by The Rolling Stones." She started, then began singing.  
  
"My, my, my, my Don't you worry 'bout what's on your mind (Oh my) I'm in no hurry, I can take my time (Oh my) I'm going red and my tounge's getting tied I'm off my head and my mouth's getting dry I'm high, but I try, try, try (Oh my) Let's spend the night together Now I need you more than ever Let's spend the night together now I feel so strong that I can't disguise (Oh my) Lets spend the night together But I just can't apologize (Oh no) Lets spend the night together Don't hang me up and don't let me down We could have fun just groovin' around Let's spend the night together Now I need you more than ever Let's spend the night together Let's spend the night together Now I need you more than ever You know I'm smiling, baby You need some guiding, baby  
  
I'm just deciding, baby, now  
  
I need you more than ever  
  
Let's spend the night together Let's spend the night together now This dosn't happen to me ev'ry day (Oh my) No excuses offered anyway (Oh my) I'll satisfy your every need And now I know you'll satisfy me Let's spend the night together Now I need you more than ever Lets spend the night together Lets spend the night together Lets spend the night together" she ended the song. "That was beautiful." He said looking to her. "Do you really think so?" He nodded. They were now closer to the camp, only a few feet away. "Can I talk to you a moment?" He asked her. "Sure Pip!" she said smiling, and they sat under a tree. 


	20. Love to Loath to Ian

"So what do you want to talk about?" Toast said, leaning forward a bit, to be Pippin's height.  
  
A bunch of things were running around in her head, as if not knowing what her feelings were at that moment.  
  
"Well, actually," His head was turned facing her. Toast was looking forward at the time, so she turned to see him talking to her. Their eyes met, for the first time, each looking directly in each others eyes, sitting quite closely.  
  
They were silent for a few moments, still looking into their eyes. They both turned their heads away a bit embarrassed.  
  
Toast blinked a few times, then turned back to Pippin, which now, was looking a bit nervous.  
  
"Whats wrong?" she asked Pippin quite warmly.  
  
"I wasn't expecting that." He said, feeling a bit warm inside, by the tone of her voice.  
  
Pippin's heart began racing a bit, and Toast could tell it was.  
  
"You seem quite nervous. Why is that?"  
  
"May, umm, Toast, I don't think you have noticed, but I feel a certain way about you."  
  
"Ohh god, you hate me. I knew this was coming. I knew I shouldn't have hugged you that way, ohh god, ohh god."  
  
"Toast, no, that isn't how I feel about you."  
  
"That's a first."  
  
Pippin placed his hand on hers.  
  
"Toast, I lo-" Pippin was cut off by the voice of Kiwi standing behind them.  
  
"Aww how cute!" Kiwi said holding her hands together as if it were the cutest thing she has ever seen.  
  
Both Toast and Pippin turned around to see not just Kiwi, but the rest of the entire fellowship behind them. Half of them were trying not to laugh, and the other half were in the 'how cute how romantic' mode.  
  
Toast got up taking her hand out of his grip, and she dusted herself off.  
  
She looked a bit sad, and walked over to Kiwi.  
  
"Whats so cute about that?" she asked her a bit quietly.  
  
"Because it was!" Kiwi said, still smiling.  
  
"Its quite sad, to think about it."  
  
"How can THAT be sad?" Kiwi asked.  
  
Legolas was eaves dropping, and Toast could sense it. She turned around and gave him an evil eye, touching her eyebrows.  
  
The elf boy cringed back down, looking a bit frightened.  
  
"Well, how can that be sad? I think its super cute!" Kiwi said again.  
  
"Because I think I am falling for Pipapple, and Im scared, and he loathes me."  
  
Legolas was still eaves dropping at that time, and tried not to laugh at the fact she thought Pippin now hated her, when he actually loved her.  
  
Kiwi looked shocked. "CANT YOU SEE IT!?"  
  
"I know he hates me, but its something im going to have to deal with, even if it takes me forever. I mean, before you said anything, I wanted to kiss him."  
  
"Odd."  
  
~+~+~+~  
  
Meanwhile  
  
Back on Earth  
  
~+~+~+~  
  
'Mimi has been gone for some time now, I wonder what she's doing. Im so frickin bored!' Ian thought to himself as he put his new goofy-eared pirate bandana from Disneyland, clutching a box of cheese-its to him tightly.  
  
It was now about 3 in the morning, and Ian had no sleep. His eyes were getting heavier by the second. He could hardly stay awake. He didn't know it. He closed his eyes, with a cheese-it in his mouth. He leaned back and started choking on the cheese-it.  
  
He gagged, and gagged, and gagged some more till he finally passed out.  
  
~+~+~+~  
  
Back in  
  
Middle-  
  
Earth  
  
~+~+~+~  
  
The fellowship was packing the rest of their stuff so they could continue on their journey.  
  
"Whats that?" Toast said pointing to a sleeping bag that looked to be squirming around.  
  
No one was listening to her, except for the noisy little elf boy, who happened to enjoy eaves dropping on her. Toast noticed no one was listening to her, so she ran over to the moving sleeping bag.  
  
She poked it a few times, and it started to cough. It suddenly stopped moving.  
  
Toast unzipped the bag, and found her friend Ian, now looking asleep, clutching a cheese-it box in his arms, wearing the hat.  
  
"Evil. He got the hat I wanted. Evil. He has Cheese-its." Toast said squinting evilly at him. He didn't move.  
  
"Ohh god. He died again." She said rolling her eyes.  
  
She opened his mouth and saw a cheese-it in his thought.  
  
"I swear, he eats these too much!" Toast grabbed a very little metal box, and pulled out two VERY SMALL white tablets. The box read 'Starbucks After Coffee Mints; Peppermint'. She placed the tablets down his thought on top of the cheese-it, and it quickly melted away, letting him breath again.  
  
"Minty." He said sitting up.  
  
Toast waved to him. "'Ello Luv!"  
  
"I know your face." Ian said, looking to her.  
  
"Hey! That's that king dude's line!"  
  
"What king dude?"  
  
"That Therindookle person."  
  
"You mean from Lord of the Rings?"  
  
"Well duh!"  
  
Legolas walked over to them, and looked over to Ian. "You know about the Lord of the Rings?"  
  
"HEY! Your that pretty elf man that everyone loves! And of course I know about the Lord of the Rings, who doesn't?" Ian said looking to him, half amazed and half confused.  
  
"Whats going on? Who are you people? And why is my breath so friggin Minty!!?" 


	21. Nickname

After Toast and Kiwi explained who everyone was, which he had known, and that their names were Toast and Kiwi, and that Toast used to be Mimi, and where they were at in the journey, leaving out all the information on what had currently happened, and why his breath was so minty, Toast began touching his soft, soft, soft hair, which she loved to touch.  
  
"God I love your hair." She said still rubbing his head.  
  
Ian kept trying to pull his head away from her hand, but was almost impossible, for Toast had a specialty to touch hair on guys' heads. "Can I have my hat back please?"  
  
"No., I love your hat!" she said holding it to her.  
  
Ian grabbed it away and put it on. "Where did my cheese-its go?" he said looking around.  
  
"Hum de dum... Hmm that is a good question..." Kiwi laughed nervously while looking at Pip from the corner of her eye.  
  
Ian looked at her a bit skeptically. "You stole my damn cheese its!"  
  
"Eep... he made me do it.." Kiwi said pointing at Pip.  
  
"Is there a nickname for mesa?" Ian said looking to Toast.  
  
"Do you want one?" she asked him, noticing Pippin running ahead of the fellowship with the cheese-it box in his hand.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, like you have Toast." He said.  
  
"What nickname would you like Sean John?" She began, "Well doesn't Ian mean Sean John or whatever?"  
  
"Is Shohn spelt that way?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I didn't know that."  
  
Toast laughed a bit. "Its your name, and there's Sean, Shon, Shawn, the list could go on forever there's like a bajillion ways to spell Sean. I personally like Sean."  
  
"Wow. Hey is there like a villain here in this story?"  
  
"Well there's of course evil sauron and saroman, or whatever. But they aren't mentioned yet. What nickname would you like though?"  
  
"There needs to be a always failing kooky silly sets traps easily exceptible and sneaky villain!!!"  
  
Toast laughed again, as Kiwi ran off to eat some cheese-its that Pippin had. "Sure, why not. Now what about your nickname?"  
  
"Well, it needs to be something random."  
  
Toast laughed, yet again. "Yeah." She pulls out a baked potato with melted cheese on it and begins to eat it, while looking around.  
  
"Rebel!"  
  
Toast laughs again. "That's not too random." She said looking at him, finishing up her potato.  
  
"My nickname is Rebel! So is it to umm, ehh?"  
  
She nods a bit. "You said you wanted random. And that's not too random."  
  
"That was random."  
  
"Its YOU!"  
  
"I was thinking of pirates, then suddenly Rebel came!"  
  
Toast continued laughing. "You see, Shoebuckle is random."  
  
"Okay, okay! Fine!" He begins crying.  
  
"Aww, Ian, don't cry!" she said hugging him, and as she hugged him, Pippin got a bit mad and jelous.  
  
"Paint!" Ian said as he stopped crying.  
  
Toast laughed again.  
  
"Shimmer."  
  
"That'll do."  
  
"Poo, Poopy, Bottle, Pin, Leg."  
  
"Why not Bottle, you like talking to bottles." Toast said, looking over to Pippin, seeing his mad look. 'He hates me more every second! Why me!?' she thought to herself.  
  
"Okay. Bottle ish meh."  
  
"Hey foo, my friend needs advice and I cant help her."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, maybe you can help her."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Well, you see, my friend has a crush on her best friend." She said looking around shifting her weight from foot to foot.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, what should she do?" she said asking, still shifting her weight from foot to foot.  
  
"That's it?"  
  
She stopped shifting. "Well, yeah."  
  
"God."  
  
Toast laughed a bit nervously.  
  
"This isn't you is it?" He asked her a bit skeptically.  
  
Toast shook her head quickly.  
  
"Okay." He said simply, then began thinking.  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Well? What should she do?"  
  
"I dunno, I gotta go sorry." He said quickly and ran off to find Kiwi.  
  
By the time Bottle got to Kiwi, the Cheese-its had melted into a nacho cheese pile. Pippin had tripped him perpously, and Bottle went flying into the melted substance.  
  
Toast, whom had ran up to ketch up to her friends, stopped to see Bottle covered in cheese from head to toe. She tried to keep in her laughter.  
  
"Ello Luv!" she said looking at him.  
  
Bottle's eyes looked as if they were about to pop out.  
  
"Don't worry! I call everyone Luv! Besides, you know I love you.,as a friend."  
  
She gave him a towel, and he was instantly dry, and cheese-free.  
  
"Eeeh heh." He said looking a bit skeptically at her again.  
  
She through her arms around him in a tight embrace. "Well you ish my best friend!"  
  
Pippin looked as if ready to tear Bottle's head off, but Kiwi kept him back.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
At the doors  
  
Of Moria  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"And I read the bottle and it said 98 percent alcahol, and im like, whats alcahol? And the bottle was like, 'I dunno' and I'm like, You can talk! And the bottle is like, 'That's only cause your drunk.' And Im like no you're drunk! And hes like 'only because you didn't get that fabolooosleyless bandanna the day you saw it.' And I was like whats a bandanna, and it was like 'that thing your wearing.' And I was like Ohh!! I don't get it. And its like 'the damn thing you are wearing!!' and I'm like well why didn't you tell me that in the first place? And it was like 'You moron!' and im like your funny! And its like 'look what I can do!' and the bottle started dancing and im like Oooohh. And its like 'la la la la la la' and I was like at least I got this black rubber fake barbwire bracelet from Toast, and its like 'you actually like that trash?' and im like you meany! I give you punishingmentnesnesnes! And its like 'Nooooooooooooo' and I killed it."  
  
By that time, everyone was looking to Bottle as if he were a freak, and the doors had already opened.  
  
"Hes drunk. At least I think he is." Toast said.  
  
"Maybe I can help him." Pippin said, standing on a rock, slapping Bottle in the face.  
  
Bottle got out of his drunkness phase.  
  
"Are you okay?" Kiwi said looking at him.  
  
Bottle nodded.  
  
"Bottle, I'm scared! I don't want to be attacked by Orcs and that mean 'ol balrog. Bottle..," Toast said as she clung onto his arm.  
  
Pippin was green with envy, and looked furious.  
  
Kiwi looked at him. "aww, Pippin, its alright."  
  
And they all walked into Moria. 


	22. Costumes and a Movie

After about a minute had passed, and they figured out it wasn't a mine, but a tomb, there was a noise coming from outside. They turned around and it was a dolphin, which now had Frodo under his flipper, slapping him silly. Frodo was crying like a little baby.  
  
"Hey look its Flipper!!" Kiwi said jumping up.  
  
The rest of the fellowship had gone, trying to shoot, and cut the dolphin, now named Flipper.  
  
"Don't hurt it!" Toast cried.  
  
Bottle looked relieved to have Toast not attached to his arm any more.  
  
Toast and Kiwi tried to pull the fellowship that was fighting the dolphin, which of course excluded Bottle, who was sighing, wanting to get out already, and Pippin, who was trying to come up with an evil plot of revenge on Bottle.  
  
Finally, they got Frodo free, and Flipper ran off hurt, they all got back inside. The doors of Moria were collided in, and they weren't able to get out.  
  
"NOOOO YOU BIZNITCHES!! YOU JUST KILLED FLIPPER!" Toast and Kiwi said falling on all fours crying a bit.  
  
After a minute of that, they both got up.  
  
"Well ya did it now, didn't ya Boromir!?" Toast said, with a scared, and aggravated look on her face.  
  
"It wasn't my fault." He said looking at Gimli.  
  
"Well you guys work it out over there, and we will put on a little surprise for you guys, since it IS Halloween." Kiwi said looking at Toast and Bottle.  
  
"Thank god I brought my Halloween costume!! I have been DIEING to wear it! I'll go put it on!" Toast said running behind two rocks, with a costume looking thing in her hand.  
  
Bottle and Kiwi did the same, except hiding behind two different rocks. Pippin was still trying to think of a revenge plot on Bottle.  
  
Pippin decided he'd go over and talk to Toast about it, so he walked behind the rocks she was standing behind.  
  
"OHH GOD!!" She yelped as she tried to cover herself with her peasant top, from her costume, as she was half naked still, and hadn't finished changing. "Ohh Pippin, you scared the Bejesus out of me!" she said looking at him.  
  
Pippin nodded a bit. "Sorry. I'll go." He said turning around and heading back to finish thinking up his evil plot to destroy Bottle.  
  
After a while, all three came out.  
  
Toast came out looking like a female Pirate with pointed ears, and all the accessories, such as hat, eye patch, everything imaginable. Even a true Pirate sword. Bottle came out looking like a pimp, with the bling-bling and open yellow shirt showing his bare chest, tall purple platform shoes with matching purple pants, and then Kiwi came out.  
  
Toast and Bottle looked at her for a moment with their mouths open.  
  
"D-did you become like, Sarah's Lemrond or something, cause foo, you look exactly like Legolas." Toast said looking to her, with her free eye.  
  
"Well, actually, I decided I would dress up as Legolas this Halloween." She said, as they were still away from the crowd.  
  
"You like a Legolas, with boobies." Toast said, and Bottle laughed at that remark.  
  
Kiwi nodded and they headed out to see the Fellowship's reaction.  
  
The hobbits were scared of Toast, and everyone else besides Legolas was fascinated by Bottle.  
  
Legolas looked over to Kiwi, "Who are you?" He said looking a bit skeptically.  
  
"Im err.. err.. Im a Leggy with chesticalls!" she said proudly.  
  
Legolas looked a bit resentful.  
  
"Ohh don't worry Leggy, you still look very sexy. And even if you did have chesticalls!" she said cheerfully.  
  
Bottle and Toast were trying to hold down laughter.  
  
"I feel faint! Ohh my goodness! Im going to faint! Legolas, catch me!" she said falling into his extended arms, with her hand over her forehead.  
  
Legolas looked a bit embarrassed, as he held onto her, "What's wrong?" he asked.  
  
"Ohh, I just want to be somebody's Bonnie Lass." She said, with her eyes closed and in the same position.  
  
"Now why does that sound familiar?" He asked her.  
  
They all ignored him.  
  
Merry looked quite as annoyed as Pippin did with Bottle, only Merry was getting angry with Legolas.  
  
Kiwi got out of Legolas's arms, and ran over hugging Pippin. "Ohh Pippin you are so cute!! I just love you!"  
  
Merry backed away from Pippin, looking as if he loathed him now.  
  
Toast gave Kiwi an evil glare, and Pippin rolled his eyes.  
  
Kiwi let go of Pippin and looked over to Merry. "Ohh but Merry, I still love you!" she said hugging him as well.  
  
Toast rolled her eyes. 'Cant she just make up her mind?!' she thought to herself.  
  
Kiwi looked over to Toast. "Aww Toast! Don't hate me! Im just Blondely confused!" she said.  
  
Toast just ignored her and rested her arms on Bottle's shoulders.  
  
Pippin looked over at Bottle, still very angry.  
  
"Bottle, should I still talk to Kiwi?" Toast asked him.  
  
"Sure, I mean, she is a blond."  
  
"I resent that." Toast said. Even being a brunette, she was still blonde. Her hair had changed colors over time. And not just by hair dye.  
  
Toast ran over to Kiwi. "Its okay Kiwi, I don't mind you being blond and all."  
  
"Alright." She said, hugging each other, "You know, this is like a soap opera, as this story is typed."  
  
Toast laughed a bit at that. "True, true."  
  
"I hear the Oscars calling." Kiwi said.  
  
"Maybe even a people's choice award." Said Bottle.  
  
"Nice, nice, and I get a shiny.," Toast began staring blankly as she said the word shiny. "What was I saying?" she asked.  
  
Kiwi and Bottle laughed at her.  
  
Kiwi began waving her hands, "Earth to Toast!"  
  
"I habe Earth?!" Toast said looking at her. "Wee! Bow down to me!" Toast began staring blankly again. "I lubb this part!" she said jumping up and down. "Skinner grabs Mina's butt."  
  
"Are you watching L.X.G. again?" Kiwi asked her.  
  
Toast nodded. "And he's like, 'I've been waiting all week to do that!' And then Allan Quartermain is all 'Get a grip' and then Skinner's all 'I thought I just did!' And then he's like 'and need I remind you, I am naked in the snow, and I cant feel any of my extremities' ." Toast began laughing.  
  
"That sounds., interesting." Bottle said looking at them.  
  
Toast nodded. "And I also love this part! Skinner steals this guard's gun, and starts hitting him with it, then he's all 'Good Night!' and hits him again and the foo gets knocked out." Toast started laughing. "And then, well, yeah." She began. "Ohh I also love this part!" she said jumping up and down again.  
  
Bottle and Kiwi rolled their eyes.  
  
"Im guessing you have had a lot of sugar tonight?" Kiwi said taking a guess.  
  
Toast shook her head. "I only had beef jerky, left over pixy sticks, sour goo, doughnut holes, lemonade, numb perelles, chocolate covered coffee beans, those fake cigarettes, that my mom says tastes like stomach medicine, which I LOVE the taste of, and umm, I think that's it. Not too much sugar. Ohh and I also had a cappuccino and then my mom gave me her coffee." She said innocently.  
  
Bottle looked at her. "That seems like a lot."  
  
"Shut up, I love this part." She said staring off again, then begins doing an imitation and reincarnation of L.X.G. parts, sounding exactly like the characters. (a/n: I know u hate these, but im putting this here cause im lazy and im having a sugar crash, well anyways, each character Toast will be, I will label -backs away slowly- sorry for the interruption)  
  
M: "How many times do I have to kill these creatons?!"  
  
Toast *herself* begins yelling. "BECAUSE YOU SUCK M!! Yeah, Don't move M!"  
  
Allan Quartermain: "Or do you prefer James Moriatchie?!"  
  
Toast begins yelling again "Grrr! GRRR!! YOU AIR HEAD SAWYER!!"  
  
She then began mumbling, "damn air head Sawyer."  
  
"Calmness." Kiwi said to her.  
  
"Ohh I love this!" Toast said.  
  
Dorian: "Mina. Your Alive."  
  
Mina: "Its possible, I cant die. Same to be said of you, lets put it to the test. Do you realize what you've done to me? What you've let out of me!?"  
  
Dorian: "A woman's wrath? Im petrified. The bedroom Mina, Does it give you memories, or ideas?"  
  
Mina: "Ideas!"  
  
Toast is still in her 'day dream' "She stabs his.. ahem."  
  
Dorian: "If that had been permanent, I would be so angry!"  
  
Toast talks as if narirator, "He stabs her by the heart, and pushes her down on the bed, where he thinks she lay to die."  
  
Dorian: "I hoped I'd get to nail you one more time, I didn't think it'd be literally."  
  
Toast looks around her for a moment. "We will get back to that later. Now next to the Air head where he needs to be saved from the wonderful, fabulous, Skinner."  
  
Narrating Toast voice: "An invisible man dressed in armor comes out with a fire torch and tries to burn the air head Sawyer. Sawyer tries to shoot him, but the fact that he's an air head forgot that the invisible man replica is in ARMOR!!!! Damn air head. Skinner saves his ass, to say the least, and skinner has burnt ashes on him, seeing a faint outline."  
  
Skinner: "That's the last time I play with matches."  
  
Toast looks back at them. "Now back with Dorian and Mina."  
  
Dorian: "You were so lovely."  
  
Narrating Toast voice: "Dorian takes the sword out, Mina gets up and stabs him."  
  
Mina: "Thank you. You broke my heart once, this time you missed."  
  
Narrating Toast Voice (NTV): "Mina pushes him to the wall where he is pinned there and cant move."  
  
Mina: "You spoke once of wanting to meet your demon."  
  
NTV: "Mina Pulls out a picture."  
  
Mina: "Here he is."  
  
NTV: "She takes the wrapper off the picture, and Dorian tries to get un- pinned."  
  
Dorian: "No ahh ahhh!! Ahh!! AHHHHHHH!!"  
  
NTV: "And Dorian ends up looking a bit like Michael Jackson, and gets pulled away by the picture, Dieing, and dicinigrating to nothing."  
  
After that was said, both Bottle and Kiwi slapped Toast over the head.  
  
"What was that for!? You made my in-head movie theatre brake!!" Toast said, glaring a bit evilly at them.  
  
"It was for our own sake, and maybe yours." Bottle said.  
  
"Don't Do Drugs!" Toast yelped out and sat down.  
  
"Its this way!" Gandalf said.  
  
"He's remembered!" said Merry.  
  
"No, the air doesn't smell so foul down here, if memory seems to fail you, always use your nose." Gandalf said back to him, and off they all went. 


	23. Toast's Tea Party

On the second day in Moria. The fellowship wakes up to what surprisingly looks like a three-some tea party. Bottle, Toast, and Kiwi had been up a bit earlier, and they all began having a tea party. The fellowship began watching them.  
  
"More tea?" Toast asked Bottle.  
  
Bottle nodded, and Toast poured more tea in his cup, and began spreading cream cheese on her bagel.  
  
Gandalf and the rest looked quite amused.  
  
Kiwi turned over to them. "What?!"  
  
"You just seem so, proper today." Gandalf said.  
  
"Ohh, well we've decided to give you a break." Toast said, still eating her bagel.  
  
"Would you like some more tea Toast?" Bottle asked.  
  
"Sure, sure." She said as he began pouring tea in her cup.  
  
"Would you like some toast Toast?" Kiwi said as she started laughing.  
  
"Er... no thanks... "  
  
"I would like some Toast...." Pip said thinking out loud.  
  
" Does anyone want any Kiwi?" Kiwi said laughing falling down. No one answered. "Well fine then, meany butts..."  
  
"How can a butt be mean?" Legolas asked confused.  
  
"I don't wanna be a chicken I don't wanna be a duck.. So I'll shake my butt quack quack quack quack" Kiwi said in return.  
  
Toast then began to sip her tea, but stopped when she heard a voice screaming, "Don't drink me, don't drink me!"  
  
Toast looked down, and noticed it was Capitan Jack Sparrow on board a ship. The ship was easily seen not to be the Black Pearl, but a normal ship.  
  
They all eyed her suspiciously.  
  
"What?!" she asked them, and they all went about their business. Toast looked down at Jack. "Jack?"  
  
Jack looked up at her. "Yes?"  
  
"Is my brother Jack in there with you?"  
  
"You have a brother?!" Bottle and Kiwi asked her amaized.  
  
"Yes, I have three brothers, and a made up one named Jack. So there." Toast said, then looked back at Jack Sparrow.  
  
"Well, I don't have another person here by the name of Jack, but I have a lady in here."  
  
"Well alright. Stay and have some tea, would you." Kiwi said, looking at him.  
  
And so they sat Jack, who was finally life size, down. The ship and the girl inside of it, were still small.  
  
"So, Toast is it? Tell me now, is it short for something?" Bottle asked.  
  
"Well yes it is. Its short for Angela the Burnt Boob Toast." Toast said smiling.  
  
"Now, if I may ask, how did you get your name?" Kiwi asked her. The three were also still in their outfits, and Capitan Jack was a bit amaized with Toast's appearance, yet he also paid attention to the question.  
  
"Well, if you really must know, it started one day, and I was talking to Tara, she said 'Hi Toast' so im like, okay, im Toast. So then I went over to my friend Leo, and I said, Hi, Im Toast! And shes like, 'Im Bob.' So im like, Angela is Bob's Toast. And shes all, 'No, IM Bob!' so im like, okay, and I walk off saying Angela ate Bob's Toast. I talk to my friend Emily, and I say, Hey, Im Angela ate Bob's Toast, and she was all, 'WHAT?!' and im all, Angela ate Bob's Toast. And she was all, 'Ohh, I thought you said, Angela ate Boob Toast.' So im all, Okay, Im now Angela the Boob Toast. And she was like, 'Okay.' Then I went to Disney with Bottle, and I was dressed all in black and he said 'You look Burnt.' And Im all, okay, so I took the name, Angela the Burnt Boob Toast, hence the name Toast. I also decided that since Toast is usually evil, TOAST means To Only Aggrivate Some Teens."  
  
They all nodded in agreement.  
  
"Hey good news, Bill just finished fixing my in-head movie theatre!" Toast said smiling.  
  
"Who's Bill?" Jack asked her.  
  
"Ohh, he's the man that controls my brain."  
  
They all nodded again. Toast then noticed something up Jack's sleeve that was gold and shiny.  
  
"Can I see you for a second Jack?" Toast asked, pulling him away. Pippin's face only got more mad, and decided to spy on them.  
  
Jack went without a fuss, with this Pirate look alike. There was moonlight behind where they were, so she pushed him into it, where he became zombie- like.  
  
"Coolass!!!" Toast exclaimed looking at him. "I knew you had azteck gold with you!" she examined him closely.  
  
"Anything particular you are looking for, darling?" He asked.  
  
Pippin got mad at him calling her darling.  
  
"Ohh, just curious." Toast said, touching his ribs, she noticed something in his ribs and stuck her hand in. At that moment, the moonlight faded. Toast's hand was stuck.  
  
Pippin was freaked out.  
  
"Now that's interesting!" Jack said looking to her.  
  
"AHHH!! SCARY, SCARY, SCARY!!" Her head twitched for a moment. "But cool!" she added.  
  
"What are we going to do about this?" he asked.  
  
Pippin ran over to go tell Gandalf.  
  
"Lets go freak people out." Toast said, pulling him with her.  
  
He went along, no fuss, with a rather sly look on his face.  
  
Before they got there, Toast stopped, and looked up at him, her back already hurting from bending over for so long.  
  
"What is it luv?" He asked, looking down to her.  
  
"Where did you get the gold piece?"  
  
"The chess over there." He said, pointing to a chest.  
  
Geese started running around it, and the sun began to rise.  
  
"What was that about?!" Toast asked as the geese ran away.  
  
Jack shrugged, and they all walked again to go see Gandalf. 


	24. Lamps, Boobs, Toast, Ohh My!

After Gandalf explained he couldn't get Toast's hand out for the fifty- millionth time, they decided to walk off again. Toast's hand was still stuck in Jack's ribs, and her back was cramping, from leaning over too long.  
  
"Are we there yet?" Toast asked, a bit annoyed.  
  
"No." Replied Gandalf.  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No we are not there yet, and if you ask that one more time, I will turn you into a toad!"  
  
She nodded, then whispered to Jack. Legolas rolled his eyes, as he heard what she said to him.  
  
Jack turned to Gandalf, "Are we there yet?"  
  
Gandalf cringed. A loud scream was heard in the not too far distance.  
  
"HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"  
  
Toast begins humming the Indiana Jones theme song, as Bottle also joined in, followed by Kiwi.  
  
"Stop that!" Parlet said.  
  
"Finally, your speaking to me.or at all!" She then switches to the sponge bob theme song.  
  
"Ohh god." Parlet mumbled.  
  
Toast begins singing, "Are ya ready kids? Aye Aye Capitan! I cant hear you, Aye Aye Capitan! Ohhhhhhhh, Who lives in a pineapple under the sea!? SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS! Absorbent and yellow and porous as he? SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS! If nothing but nonsense be something you wish? SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS! Then plop on the deck and flop like a fish! SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS, SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS, SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS, SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS, SPONGE BOB SQUARE PAAAAAANTS!!!!"  
  
"Shut up!" Bottle said, hitting her over the head with a bottle.  
  
"Hey look! Its Bottle Jr.!"  
  
"Hardy har har." Bottle said back to her.  
  
The screaming was heard again. "HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!"  
  
Toast then began humming the Indiana Jones song again, then switched to jeopardy.  
  
The fellowship rushed over to see what it was. It was a girl, tied up next to a well, with geese sorounding her.  
  
"That's the lass that was with me on my ship!" Jack said.  
  
"I got out." Said the girl.  
  
Kiwi and Bottle got down to untie her.  
  
"I have no where to stay, can I walk with you guys?"  
  
"Of course!" Toast said.  
  
"Whats your name?" Kiwi asked.  
  
"Isilwen Elensar." She replied.  
  
"Well, alright, Isilwen.can you come over here, so I can see you?" Toast said to her, still facing Jack.  
  
Isilwen walked over to her. "Hi! Ohh my God! I know who you are!! Your Toast!!! I was reading one of your stories, Damm Lamps!, when I was kidnapped by geese and tied up!" she said, as the geese fled away.  
  
"Uhh, huh. Do you want a nickname?" Kiwi asked.  
  
"Isilwen is fine.just fine." She said.  
  
"Alright." Said bottle.  
  
Pippin went around the well Isilwen had been tied to, and saw a skeleton sitting on it. There was something between the neck and the helmet. Pippin began twisting it, and the head fell off and down the well. Followed by the body, then the chain that was also attatched to a bucket. The noise was tremendous.  
  
"YOU FOOL OF A TOOK!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
"SHUT UP YOU OLD BAG!!" Toast screamed, still bending at Jack's stomach.  
  
Pippin's guilty look turned a bit warm, with the feeling that she was sticking up for him.  
  
The whole fellowship was watching in amaizement.  
  
"Now, now Toast. No need to get all feisty." Parlet said.  
  
"Shut up, he's making Pippin feel bad. Its not bad to be curious!!!" Toast barked back.  
  
Pippin was smiling. "Thank you Toast."  
  
Toast turned her head to the side, to see Pippin and smiled. "Any time."  
  
There were drums sounding in the distance.  
  
"Orcs." Kiwi said.  
  
Everyone ignored her.  
  
"Orcs." Legolas said as Frodo pulled his glowey sword out.  
  
Everyone got scared.  
  
"HOW THE F*** AM I GUNNA FIGHT LIKE THIS?!!!" Toast yelled out.  
  
"Hide!" Pippin said, mainly to Toast.  
  
Toast and Jack hid behind a well, and Toast took out a little paper that Bottle had given her, earlier, in private. The paper was folded into a small, palm size piece of paper, that originally had Table of Contents on it, along with four different sections with page numbers on it, and a picture of Merry and Pippin on an Ent. The section that was seen, in the palm of her hand was mainly a rectangle around the area where Pippin was. Toast then realized something.  
  
"Hey Boromir, slide your head back!" she said casually, and as he did move his head back a bit, an arrow went straight for the door side, where his head had been.  
  
She smirked a bit, then clutched the picture in her hand, then placing it in her pocket. Jack hadn't seen the picture, but did see the writing in red ink on her palm, which said 'Pippin', and the I's were dotted with little hearts.  
  
Jack smirked, looking at her palm. Toast looked up and saw him like so. "WHAT?!" she closed her hand tightly.  
  
"Ohh nothing.just a bit.interesting."  
  
"Ohh shut up you bloody pirate!"  
  
"And your not one?" he said back, looking at her attire.  
  
"Shut it!"  
  
He smirked, and Toast saw, so she slapped him across the face.  
  
"I may have deserved that."  
  
She snickered a bit, as the fellowship now began fighting.  
  
Toast was horrifyied at what she saw. Instead of a heard of orcs, there was a giant heard of lamps, that were throwing spoons around. She then curled her P.E. homework into a telescope like curve, and began hitting random lamps, and spoons out of her way.  
  
Jack's stomach was hurting during all of this, but had gotten used to it.  
  
One lamp took her homework and threw it down the well.  
  
"MY P.E. HOMEWORK SLASH WEAPON!!" she screamed. "That's it! No more Mr. Nice Lamps!!" she took Jack's sword and began slicing the bulb's of the lamps, killing them all.  
  
After Toast defeated all the Damn Lamps, the fellowship all looked at her astonished. The room was now silent, everyone too speechless to talk.  
  
The silence was quickly disrupted by the booming of an abnormal Damn lamp. Giant spoons were being swong by the giant Lamp. Toast cringed.  
  
"How did I know this was going to happen!?" Cried out Toast, hiding under Jack. To her it felt wrong being under this pirate, and of course he felt it wrong for her to be under him.  
  
"You feed one pidgon, the whole flock comes." Bottle said as he continued to hit the evil lampie of Doom! He then took out a bread stick, and yelled at everyone, "Look at me, im a human food processor!!" and began eating the breadstick. Everyone stopped fighting to look at him, including the giant lamp. They all continued again. The lamp stabbed Frodo in the chest with the back of a spoon, causing him to fall to the floor in pain.  
  
"Cry baby." Toast mumbled under her breath.  
  
"Look at me! Im Jumping!!!" Bottle screamed out as he began jumping. They all stopped fighting again, to watch him, then shortly returned to fighting. "La la la la la." He sang as he joined the fight. All of the sudden Bottle ripped off his shirt revealing his masculinity and killed the giant lamp. Everyone cheered and Pippin bowed down before him.  
  
"You deserve to have Toast."  
  
"What the f*** is that supposed to mean?!" Amaised by Bottle's Manleyness.  
  
"Well I can see that you love him." Pippin said.  
  
"No! I love you Pip!"  
  
Bottle was then taken away by five Elvin strippers. Pippin was in awe, and Toast noticed a string hanging by Bottle's side. Toast pulled the string and his manly chest flew away, and the strippers left him and ran away, as he wasn't masculine anymore. That was soon followed with laughs from everyone.  
  
"Aww how cute!" Isilwen said as she looked over to Pippin and Toast.  
  
"Aww how cute!" Kiwi said, looking at Bottle. It now looked as if Bottle had chesticalls.  
  
"Squeek! Squeek!" was the sound they made as kiwi squeesed Bottle's boobies.  
  
Bottle was now giggling at how they just popped, and was back to his normal self, without a shirt and only normal if he ever was.  
  
Toast was now blushing at what she had just done and said, then realizing what had gone on in the past, and how she thought Pippin hated her. Bill, the man in her brain, not the pony, made her tell him otherwise.  
  
"I didn't mean it." Toast said to Pippin.  
  
Pippin was now angry again.  
  
"Can I please be discluded in this?!" Jack said.  
  
"Only when moon light hits, thankyouverymuch." Toast said, looking from his crotch, to his face, smirking a bit.  
  
"What do you see down there?" he asked in curiosity.  
  
"Ohh nothing.just when I first saw pirates of the Caribbean, I wated to do this, except the fact that my hand is in your stomach."  
  
"Do what exactly?!" Isilwen and Kiwi asked.  
  
Toast grabbed his crotch. "Nice size." She said with an evil smirk.  
  
Jack was now a bit embarrassed, but pleased, so he also had a smirk on his face, to cover the blushing.  
  
Pippin looked as if he wanted to rip someone's -cough- Bottle and Jack's -cough- head off.  
  
"Ohh calm down Pippin!" Kiwi yelled at him.  
  
"Toast molested Sparrow, Toast Molested Sparrow, Toast Molested Sparrow!!" Bottle began chanting, followed by Kiwi and Islwen.  
  
The rest of the fellowship looked horrifyied, as if they had seen a ghost.  
  
"What is it?!" Toast yelled, as she saw everyone run to Frodo. He was now getting up.  
  
"Its Methril!" Toast yelled from afar.  
  
She heard Aragorn mumble something about a wild bore, since no one was listening to her.  
  
"Methril, your full of suprises master Baggins." Said Gimli.  
  
The moon was now shining, and they all looked towards them, looking horifyied, AGAIN.  
  
"What?!" Toast knew something was up, as even Kiwi, Bottle, and Isilwen looked as scared. Toast then felt her hand free, and she looked up to Jack, to see a skeleton.  
  
"IM FREE IM FREE IM FREE!!" Toast yelled then noticed that now Jack was looking scared at her.  
  
Bottle now began drooling, as he looked at her, and held something in his pocket.  
  
"WHAT?! Methril isn't that big of a deal, I mean even I have some on." She tore off her shirt revealing a Methril bra.  
  
They were all surprised, none looking disgusted. The guys were all smirking.  
  
"WHAT?! Its not like you havnt seen a girl in a bra before!" she said. She then looked down, and noticed that her nails were long and black. 'Ohh my god!' she thought.  
  
Bottle, Pippin and Jack now looked a bit still surprised, but in a lusty way.  
  
"I didn't know they were real." Jack said.  
  
"They look pretty big to me." Bottle said, with a smirk as big as Jack's.  
  
"They are still fake!" said Kiwi in jelousy.  
  
"Lets see if they are, and if this is really Toast." Bottle said.  
  
"What do you mean if I'm really Toast!? Of course im Toast!!"  
  
"You don't look like her." Jack said.  
  
"Mirror! MIRROR NOW!!" Toast yelled out.  
  
Isilwen handed her a mirror.  
  
Toast gasped, but looked quite happy. "YAY YAY YAY!!" she screamed out.  
  
In the mirror she saw an at least 20 times sexier female with longish black hair and red streaks with red flaming eyes. Her skin now looked quite paleish. This was Toast's True form.  
  
"Why do you look like that then?!" Bottle asked.  
  
"Well DUH!! Because im the Devil Mistress, and this is my true form, but I was trapped in that beeyatch's body."  
  
"Where is she now?" Pippin asked.  
  
"Ohh she'll be back on Earth.I know it." She said, sighing a bit.  
  
Bottle took out a lighter. "Well I still wanna know if your boobs are real." He said as he lit the lighter. "If they are fake, they'll burn."  
  
"Ohh god, ohh god, ohhgod!" Toast screamed out as he came closer to her, bracing herself for the burn.  
  
He lit the bra on fire, trying to burn the boobs.  
  
The screams coming from Toast was so high pitched, only dogs would have been able to hear it.  
  
He turned the lighter off. "They wont burn. Lets try another test. If I smack them together will they hurt?"  
  
"DUH!!" Toast said, but was ignored by him.  
  
He smacked them together. "OWW!" she yelped out.  
  
"Allright, lets see, how about if they shrink in water." He took out a water bucket. "Take off your bra."  
  
"WHAT THE F***!?!"  
  
"TAKE IT OFF NOW!!!!!!" He ordered her.  
  
She shut her eyes, fiddling with the bra.  
  
"YOUR TAKING TOO LONG!" he ran behind her and snapped it off.  
  
Toast felt a cold chill run down her back. 'Ohh god.' She thought to herself.  
  
"Now dunk em in the bucket."  
  
She leaned over placing them in the bucket.  
  
Toast, Jack, Pippin, Parlet, Aragorn, and everyone else except for Isilwen and Kiwi looked at her closely.  
  
"PRIVACY PLEASE!" Toast yelled out.  
  
"No can do. Must watch to see if they'll shrink." Bottle said.  
  
After a few minutes of the water, he told her to come out. She did, and wrapped her arms around herself.  
  
"Now to see if theyre's any plastics or rubbers or whatever they are under them." Bottle said as he stuck out his hand to touch under them.  
  
"HELL NAH! I DRAW THE LINE THERE!!" Toast yelled.  
  
The two other girls were playing cards in the corner.  
  
"Jack. Help." Bottle said.  
  
Jack came over and held her hands behind her back, as Bottle began feeling under her boobs for any type of adjustment. After a minute or two of struggling, and Bottle feeling her, she was released, and began crying a bit.  
  
Bill told her to stop crying, and that at least it was done by sexy men.  
  
"Ohh shut up Bill!"  
  
Sam perked up. "Bills here?!"  
  
"No!" Toast yelled out.  
  
"The Janitor?" Asked Bottle.  
  
"NO!! THE MAN WHO LIVES IN MY HEAD AND CONTROLS MY BRAIN YOU MORONS!!"  
  
"Ohh Okay." They said.  
  
"Ohh great, I don't have a shirt now." 


	25. Jump of Khazad Dum

-sniff- Sorry for the whole inconvenience for the last chapter as it was pretty nasty. -walks off wondering what I have to do around here to get an audience- well anyways.I will start off this chapter..a bit different? I guess..?  
  
~*~*~  
  
Toast felt a light kick in her ribs, as she realized it was all a dream. All of it had become fake a little before Bottle defeated the giant lamp, as she was knocked out by a flying spoon. She looked at her hand also realizing, that her second hand was still stuck in Jack's stomach. The night had just set upon them, turning Jack into a skeleton, releasing Toast's hand.  
  
"Get up already will you?!" Bottle said.  
  
Kiwi tossed her a mirror. "Look at yourself."  
  
Toast did look at herself, as a happy joy became upon her. Apparently the only part from her dream that was true was that her appearance had changed. She felt joyous, as she bid upon her new look.  
  
"You began to change last night." Isilwen said.  
  
"Ohh good cheese!" Toast said, as she was happy her sexiness was still there.  
  
"Did someone say cheese?!" Bottle asked excitedly.  
  
"I did, but that's my new word."  
  
"I thought it was bink." He pointed out.  
  
"That too." She said.  
  
"Well anyfoo-" Kiwi began.  
  
"THAT'S MY WORD!!" Toast screamed out.  
  
"I thought it was bink! And Cheese."  
  
"No, Cheese is my word when im mad, other times its Bottle's. Bink! I just say anytime I want to, and I say anyfoo instead of anyhow, anyway, anywho.so umm.err.yeah."  
  
"Well, alright then, anyways, we need to cross the bridge of kazaa doom or whatever." Kiwi said.  
  
"I thought it was khazad dum..kazaa is an illegal pirating system that I use." Toast said.  
  
"Pirate?!" Jack asked popping in.  
  
"Ohh don't worry Jackiepoo.im your pirate." Toast said, smiling.  
  
Pippin's face grew angry.  
  
Jack smiled happily and boastfully.  
  
There was a mysterious girl who began running towards them with her arms open.  
  
"SARAH!!" Toast said running towards her as she ran towards them.  
  
Sarah passed her and ran towards to Jack, hugging him tight fully, as his face then began turning blue. "Hewwo Wuv." She said, still hugging him.  
  
"SARAH YOUR KILLING HIM!" Bottle and Toast screamed.  
  
Sarah let him go then began planting kisses all over him.  
  
"B*tch! Get away from my Depp!" Toast yelled.  
  
Tara just randomly poofed up and said, "NO CUSSING!" then poofed away.  
  
"Mmmkay.now." Toast said pulling her away. She took out her fist, about to punch her in the stomach, but before she did, she shook her head. "naw, bad idea." She then slapped Sarah across the shoulders.  
  
Sara then began giggling. "I have Johnny particles on me!" she said.  
  
"Well I do too, but I also have some in tape." She said, then pulled out folded tape with the words 'Johnny Particles' on it.  
  
Legolas flinched as he saw the tape.  
  
"Where'd you get those from?" Sara, Kiwi, Isilwen and Bottle asked.  
  
"Tara. She rode in a limo that Johnny Depp had used earlier that week so she had dead Johnny skin particles on her, so she gave me some!" Toast said, smiling.  
  
"Ohh well, gotta run! My story is waiting for me. Readers, read Trouble in Middle Earth: Fellowship of the ring, by pen name hellooo2." Sarah said.  
  
"Dude, no one reads this." Toast said.  
  
"Well I do! And anyone else who does, im advertising my story so hmph!" she said, sticking out her tongue.  
  
Sarah began running off, but stopped, turning around. "Ohh, by the way, Aragorn, you're a woman!" She said.  
  
"Im offended!" Toast said.  
  
"Well so am I." Aragorn said.  
  
"Shut up chicka!" Toast said, to him then turned back to Sarah.  
  
"Ill see you at school Toast!" she said, then ran off, transforming into a pink fuzzy bunny and hopping away into the distance where she just disappeared.  
  
Drums began being heard. "Ohh my god! Its...the evil lamps!" Toast yelped.  
  
"No, they are orcs!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
"NO THEY ARE LAMPS WHETHER U LIKE IT OR NOT Mr. I KNOW EVERYTHING!!!"  
  
A single lamp came walking down with spoons in its hand.  
  
"WHO'S THE WIZARD NOW?!" Toast yelled out.  
  
Gandalf knocked the side of its head with his staff, and knocked off a mascot helmet revealing an orc underneath it. "Me." He said.  
  
"I still think it's a lamp." She said, not wanting to admit she was wrong.  
  
More herds of the orcs dressed as lamps swarmed in, but were soon scattered away.  
  
There was a long pause.  
  
"OHH MY GOD!!!" Toast screamed out.  
  
"Ohh god." Bottle said rolling his eyes.  
  
"Balrog." Isilwen mumbled.  
  
"It's the Balrog!!" Kiwi yelled.  
  
"MOMMIE CAN I HAVE THE BALROG?!" Toast yelled out.  
  
"NO!" came a faint voice from the air sounding like Toast's mom. "And don't forget to change your underwear!!"  
  
"Ohh my god." Toast mumbled, embarrassed.  
  
"RUN!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
"Why?! The Balrog is hot!!" Toast yelled.  
  
"Exactly!" Said Aragorn.  
  
"Ohh my goodness, you are a woman!!" Kiwi said.  
  
"Why am I a woman?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Because you just said the Balrog was hot!!" Bottle said.  
  
"Well it is!" He shouted as they began running.  
  
"I think he means its because its made out of fire." Isilwen said.  
  
"Well how else could it be hot?" he asked.  
  
"BECAUSE IT LOOKS.SEXY!!" Toast yelled, just walking behind.  
  
Aragorn's eyes widened in disgust.  
  
Bottle and Kiwi and Isilwen grabbed Toast's arms dragging her to the bridge of khazad dum.  
  
They all began jumping.  
  
Legolas was about to toss Gimli.  
  
"No one tosses a Dwarf!" he yelled.  
  
Legolas jumped before him, followed by Gimli who almost falls.  
  
Legolas grabs his beard.  
  
"NOT THE BEARD!!" he yelled.  
  
"You can make a wig out of that with just one little snip." Isilwen said.  
  
After them, the only ones left were Aragorn, Frodo and Toast.  
  
"Lean forward!" Aragorn yelled.  
  
"NO! Its: You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around, and that's what its all about!" Toast said, and they began doing so. They made it to the other side, then the bridge broke and fell down.  
  
They all ran past Gandalf.  
  
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!" he began yelling at the Balrog.  
  
Pippin was standing by Bottle, and as Bottle tried running off, Pippin tripped him, causing him to fall down. He grabbed onto Kiwi for support, but they began falling.  
  
"AWW DAMIT!" Toast yelled watching them fall. "THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GANDALF!!"  
  
The fellowship all flinched, including Gandalf.  
  
"Did I say that out loud?" she asked.  
  
Everyone nodded.  
  
The Balrog began falling, as the bridge was crumbling underneath it.  
  
"NOT YOU TOO!!" Toast yelled in horror.  
  
Isilwen ran in front of Gandalf as she was playing a game with Merry.  
  
The whip from the Balrog hit Isilwen, bringing her down.  
  
"What the.!" she yelled as she soon caught up with the other two.  
  
Toast noticed a pink fuzzy bunny hopping towards her, that soon turned into Sarah.  
  
"Would you like the honors?" Toast asked her.  
  
"Only if you don't mind." She said.  
  
"Why don't we both?" Toast said.  
  
They both took a step forward and shoved Gandalf off the cliff.  
  
"That took care of 'em." Toast said.  
  
"See yah at school!" Sarah said then turned back into a pink fuzzy bunny and hopped away.  
  
"I want my Balrog back. Parlet, go get him for me." Toast said, then pushing him off the cliff. "WRONG WAY!!" she yelled, then jumped after it herself.  
  
She soon caught up with Bottle, Kiwi, Isilwen, and Parlet as Gandalf and the Balrog went their own way.  
  
"You know, this fall never ends. It just keeps on going, like the energizer battery. You know that little bunny with the drum," Kiwi began, "It just keeps on going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going and going."  
  
Toast soon joined in, "And going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going."  
  
As so did Isilwen, "And going, and going, and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going."  
  
~*~*~  
  
Ten Minutes  
  
Later ~*~*~  
  
"And going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going and going-"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Bottle screamed.  
  
"IT gets annoying!!" Yelled Parlet.  
  
"Its like acid," Toast began. "Kinda like me, I just keep on burningandburningandburningandburningandburningandburningandburningandburnin gandburningandburning-"  
  
"We get the point." Said Parlet.  
  
"Well either way, I just keep burningandburningandburningandburning until I get tired."  
  
After a bit of quietness, they all hit a hard wood floor.  
  
"OOF!" Said Kiwi.  
  
"OOG!" Said Isilwen.  
  
"GAH!" Said Parlet.  
  
"GAH GAH!" Said Parlet, two more times. "GET OFF ME!" he yelped.  
  
"Sorry dude, but im comfy. Bottle, your comfy." Toast said, as she looked down and noticed she was on both Parlet and Bottle, and Isilwen and Kiwi were off to the side.  
  
"Dude! This is YOUR house!" Toast said.  
  
"I know." Bottle replied.  
  
Toast got up and got off of Bottle. Bottle got up and got off of Parlet. As Parlet tried getting up, he was then crushed again by Jack.  
  
"GAH!" Parlet screamed.  
  
"Ohh hello luv!" Said Jack as he got up.  
  
Toast giggled a bit. "Ohh 'ello luv!" She said back to him.  
  
Parlet tried getting up, but again, was pushed down, by what looked to be as air.  
  
"Stop playing around Parlet, and get up!" Kiwi said.  
  
Isilwen watched amused.  
  
"I.cant.something.someone.is on me.." He said.  
  
"'Ello my freaky darlings!" Came a voice from what seemed coming from no where.  
  
"SKINNER!!!!" Toast yelled jumping up and down. "My husbands here, my husbands here, my husbands here!! Luv, put your clothes on."  
  
"Sorry." He said, as the invisible man got up from Parlet, putting on a coat, a hat, sunglasses, boots, gloves and grease paint.  
  
Toast ran over to him. "LOVE!!! LOVE!!" She said as she hugged him tightly. "I LOVE YOU!!!!" she then began shrieking. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" 


	26. All Ends Tie Together

There was another nock at the door.  
  
"Not another person." Bottle complained.  
  
"First it was the music, and now it's the people." Kiwi said.  
  
Skinner looked a bit confused. "Umm, who are you people?"  
  
"Well HU-LLO! Skinniepoo, you're my husband.DUH." Toast said.  
  
Skinner looked to her boobs, not being too obvious. "Indeed."  
  
"CLEAVAGE!" Bottle exclaimed.  
  
Skinner cringed. "I didn't do it.I wasn't staring."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Bottle asked.  
  
"You said.ohh never mind." Skinner said.  
  
"Were you looking at my chesticalls?" Toast asks.  
  
"Uhh.no." Skinner said, obvious lie.  
  
"SKINNER WAS STARING AT MY CHESTICALLS, SKINNER WAS STARING AT MY CHESTICALLS. WEE!" Toast chants as she begins dancing around.  
  
The knocking on the door came harder. "LET ME IN DAM NIT!" Comes yelling of a girl.  
  
Bottle runs to the door and opens it. Outside stands a girl with hazel eyes, black hair and pale skin.  
  
Toast notices her. "SARA WITHOUT AN H! Also known as Raven!" she yells, at her friend.  
  
"Yes, its me." She replies.  
  
"You mean Nona?" Bottle asks.  
  
"Yeah her." Toast says.  
  
"Alright, you said you wanted to be in my sickly long story, so here you are, but the thing is, you also said you wanted to be in it for a long time.but look at our comp'ny." Toast says. "I mean we have Jack Sparrow-"  
  
"Capitan, Capitan Jack Sparrow." Jack interrupts.  
  
Toast continues, "Capitan Jack Sparrow, Parlet, Ian, Kiwi, me, Isilwen, and now we even have Skinner to worry about. I think this is a bit too much for this writer to carry on about. Don't you think?"  
  
"Then drop some people out." Raven said.  
  
"That can be done. Alright, if I call your name, you come over here. Isilwen. Bottle. Kiwi. Everyone else except me and Raven, and the people I called, you people stay here in this house."  
  
"But my mom will kill me for all these people staying here!" Bottle exclaimed.  
  
"Then would YOU like to stay here as well?" Toast asked.  
  
"Well.no, because if im not here then my mom cant kill me." He said.  
  
"That boyshs gotsh shmarts." Came an accented voice from the back.  
  
"Ohh god. Not you too! Allan Quatermain!? What in the hell?!" Toast exclaims.  
  
"Yesh, it ish I, Allan Quatermain. I have been reincarnated and sentenced here. Africa shwore they would never let me die."  
  
"Yeah, I know, I know, now why must we have SO MANY PEOPLE?! That's it! Everyone Go home, BACK TO YOUR OWN MOVIES! .except for you Mr. Skinner.I've got a job for you." Jack and Parlet leave deciding that they would go to 'Pirates of the Caribbean.'  
  
"And as for you.Mr. Skinner, and Allan Quatermain, may I quote you Mr. Quatermain?" Toast asks.  
  
"If you would like.." He says.  
  
"And then the game ish on." Toast says.  
  
The writer of this story, which of course is Toast, only looking more like a writer and all French and sheet, comes out.  
  
"Well thank you for this story my dear friends, now I am sorry but I will have to end it. Its getting freakishly long." She says.  
  
"B-B-But we never got to see Haldir in Lothlorien! WAAAA!!" Toast exclaims.  
  
"GET OVER IT OR I WILL MAKE YOU DO SOMETHING FREAKISHLY WEIRD!"  
  
"B-but it was Haldir."  
  
"You are really asking for it Alter-ego Toast!"  
  
"Yeah right, you cant make me do anything! HALDIR, HALDIR, HALDIR!!"  
  
The writer does some typing on Ian's computer and makes Toast wear a barney uniform.  
  
"I love you, you love me, were a happy family.NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"  
  
"Will you shut up?"  
  
"Yes! I will! Just get me- with a great big hug- out of this- and a kiss from me to you- COSTUME!- wont you say you- POOF!"  
  
Toast is out of the costume.  
  
Toast lets out a sigh of relief. "Thank you.."  
  
"Now, as I was saying, we will all move on to another movie/story." She grins.  
  
"LXG!! WOO HOO!!!" They both scream. Then run off out the door, skipping.  
  
-Fin- 


End file.
